I’ve spent so much of my life doing things to make other people see me a certain way. I talk about my accomplishments or my wounds, depending on the conversation and the crowd and which topic I intuit will impress people most. I’ve observed people, learned their likes and their humor, and then adjusted to […]
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There’s no way to know what to do. Where to go. What to say, to whom. There’s no way to really know what’s “right”. Sure; there’s the moment-to-moment gut instincts. But even those aren’t always reliable… Since fear can oftentimes mask itself as intuitive guidance. I often feel like we are our own labyrinths to […]
Read MoreThere are all these sayings about life being a marathon, not a sprint. And for years, I tried to retrain myself into a marathon-mentality. And I hated it. It bored me. It’s like when I tried cross country running in high school. The first day of practice, I took off sprinting as hard and as […]
Read MoreThrough 12-step programs and codependency work and Buddhist meditation retreats and reading lots and lots of spiritual texts, my interpretation of “being spiritual” and “being aware” was… Essentially… NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU, FORGIVE IT. LET IT GO. CHOOSE TO BE UNAFFECTED BY EVERYTHING. Recognize that not everyone is operating from your level of […]
Read MoreAaannndd the darkness continues. Which is fine. I decided to give myself the opportunity to release some of the anger I had maybe been carrying around with me. I opened a word document and wrote about 5,000 words nonstop. I didn’t know I had that much anger in me. I feel like I could write […]
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Okay. Two things. (Is it ever really two things, Jen?) No. But. It’s a diving off point, Parentheses. Give me a break. 1.) These last four days have been a shit-show of anger and meltdown and trigger-happy freak-outs and depression and the, like, third time I’ve cried in therapy. And stress-eating, which used to be […]
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This is the second time I’ve written today’s blog entry. The first one put Frodo’s invisibility cloak on and is unable to be seen. That’s coo. I can redo it. I have officially survived this last depressive episode, which seemingly came out of nowhere. While in the stickiness of depression, it’s hard to know up […]
Read MoreI’ve tended to seek comfort being alone. When sad or vulnerable or hurting or scared, I’d find solace in my introvert time. I’d unplug for a few days, turn off all electronics, sit in the messiness, work through shit, come to realizations, and then take a shower, shave, do my hair, and turn my phone […]
Read MoreI’ve been listening to a few specific songs by Rag’n’Bone Man lately. This is him: And he sings with his fucking soul. Songs that I can feel in my bones: Human, Grace, Skin, and As You Are. There are these few lines in “Human” that I find myself repeating throughout the day: I’m only human, after […]
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