I can hear the birds again. (A description of journeying through depression.)

I can hear birds again. Outside, they’re chirping. It’s subtle and crisp and beautiful. I can hear the breeze and feel it on my skin. It rustles the changing leaves and whisks a few of them onto a windy ride to the earth’s floor. I can see the sky. I’ve viewed it previously, but today […]

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getting my deep rest on

Sometimes I burn out. I’ll feel excited, find a strand of inspiration, and then hold on tight for dear life while getting flailed around in the wind. Like a kite. Or like a surfer on a wave. I’ll ride it until I crash. And then keep holding on. I’ve become aware of this tendency. I’ve […]

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the adventures of carl the blob

From the outside, Carl appeared to be quite similar to the other blobs. Really, the main difference was how he saw the world, how he felt, and what he thought. But, since this was all internal, no one else could see it. And they certainly didn’t understand it. The more he opened his mouth and […]

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Day 289 of 365: cocoon of safety

Striving for a life of awareness, of forward progression, of knowing better and doing better, of being mindful and understanding and loving while also having healthy boundaries and self care without being too selfish, of communicating openly and honestly and sharing emotion without speaking irrationally from emotion, of trusting and having faith even when evidence […]

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Day 287 of 365: just do the damn thing.

I know I’m here to speak. You could ask 15 year old Jen, 25 year old Jen, or yesterday Jen what she’s here to do, and the answer would be something along the lines of: “write, speak, and teach.” Except there’d be progressively less passive aggressive attitude as the age of each Jen increased. I […]

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Day 273 of 365: Who you are without an audience?

I didn’t pray a lot as a child, but I do remember one prayer I repeated often and desperately: “DEAR GOD, PLEASE MAKE ME POPULAR.” That was my focus. I was so desperate for people to like me. And not just a few people. A LOT of people. ALL of the people. All of my […]

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Day 249 of 365: cutting ties, and holding on for dear life

I hate that I struggle with suicidal shit sometimes. I really, really do. For a long time I didn’t. It was like an old friend to me. Now it’s more like a black hole… Or a magnet that attracts all my joy and flushes it. I haven’t wanted to write about it because I’m too […]

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Day 106 of 365: I’m so fucking sick of writing.

*trigger warning for those struggling with depression/suicidality* If I have to hear myself talk about addiction or sobriety or healing or authenticity one more fucking time, I will scream. And hide in the mountains somewhere. I am so bored by myself, and by what I write. As if I’m some pro on emotions and self-healing. […]

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