Step 8 of the 12-step program I’m in is to make a list of all people I’ve harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. My list was 200 items long, and I felt deeply ashamed to share it with another person. Alas, I did. One by one, I went through and explained […]
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“Thunder thighs.” “Tree trunk legs.” “Why do you waddle like that?” “Your ass isn’t as nice as it looks.” “Your thighs are so big.” “You have such tiny knees for such big legs.” … I’d like to say that these were easy comments to forget… That the multitude of compliments I received outweighed these stinging […]
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I have compassion for all beings. ALL beings. In fact, I think I take it a little far. I vacuumed a spider last week and cried for an hour. As a result, here is my relationship with cockroaches.
Read MoreThrough 12-step programs and codependency work and Buddhist meditation retreats and reading lots and lots of spiritual texts, my interpretation of “being spiritual” and “being aware” was… Essentially… NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU, FORGIVE IT. LET IT GO. CHOOSE TO BE UNAFFECTED BY EVERYTHING. Recognize that not everyone is operating from your level of […]
Read MoreFor years, when a friend or family member was ill or had gone through surgery or a heartbreak, I gave them space. That’s what you’re supposed to do, right? “I’ll let them be messy and do their healing thing and, if they need me, they’ll let me know.” Yea… Come to find out, that’s not really how […]
Read MoreI’ve recently come to terms with the fact that I experience life much differently than most. I’ve always felt everything deeply (with the exception of my years of numbing via alcohol and drugs), and I’ve always dealt with random mini-films in my head of fucked up images. I see faces everywhere. In trees. In the […]
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Okay. Two things. (Is it ever really two things, Jen?) No. But. It’s a diving off point, Parentheses. Give me a break. 1.) These last four days have been a shit-show of anger and meltdown and trigger-happy freak-outs and depression and the, like, third time I’ve cried in therapy. And stress-eating, which used to be […]
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This is the second time I’ve written today’s blog entry. The first one put Frodo’s invisibility cloak on and is unable to be seen. That’s coo. I can redo it. I have officially survived this last depressive episode, which seemingly came out of nowhere. While in the stickiness of depression, it’s hard to know up […]
Read MoreI’ve tended to seek comfort being alone. When sad or vulnerable or hurting or scared, I’d find solace in my introvert time. I’d unplug for a few days, turn off all electronics, sit in the messiness, work through shit, come to realizations, and then take a shower, shave, do my hair, and turn my phone […]
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