“But does it really matter?” — a question / answer attitude adjustment

Over the last five and a half years, I’ve worked to remove distractions / baggage / stagnant energy / old beliefs and focused on learning to use my intuition. That tiny, raspy whisper has become louder and easier to decipher. Rather than occasionally hearing it, I have more of an ongoing conversation with this sense of Inner Wisdom.

Perhaps it’s a direct line to God. Maybe it’s a Higher Self, an Angel, or Spirit Guides. Whatever it is… It’s certainly wiser than my human consciousness.

Sometimes, I get caught in loops. Circular logic sort of thing. For instance: “If I relax and watch Netflix all night, I’m probably avoiding my dreams and goals and what I really need to be doing. But if I force myself to work on my dreams and goals when I don’t feel inspired, then am I going against my natural cycle and undoing all the work I’ve done on listening to my body and my needs.”

So essentially, I’ll set myself up in a lose/lose situation, rather than a win/win or neutral interpretation.

I haven’t wanted to write or share on here or social media, because I’ve been in a “what’s the point?” and “does it really matter?” mindset. I see so many people sharing so many opinions and sometimes it’s exhausting and frankly boring and I want to unplug and do my own thing.

We live in a time where it seems like everyone is all showy and wants to be the center of attention and accomplish big deal shit and be discovered.

And I’ve been one of those people. Waiting to be discovered. Waiting for that thing that really turns my life around.

And it annoys me that I’ve looked at life that way, because I logically recognize that everything I need is within me… And any void I feel can only be truly filled by a spiritual connection to a Higher Power rather than by outside stuff.

So. I haven’t written in a couple weeks.

On top of that, I haven’t wanted to share because I haven’t been bouncy and peppy and full of hope. Mostly I’ve felt underwhelmed.

Quick frame of reference: I left a job I’d wanted to leave for years and I moved out of my parents’ house into my own place. I’m now painting pet portraits and doing intuitive sessions for a living.

This is my most recent pet portrait. Her name was Delilah.

I told someone about this big life leap this morning, and he said “99 out of 100 people won’t make that leap. And you’ve done it! How exciting.”

Truth is? I don’t feel excited. Again, I’ve felt underwhelmed. Like it’s a non-event. I guess I’d built it up in my head, expecting it to give me the freedom I so desired.

And then the circular logic pops back up where I think, “I’m not celebrating my victories enough and need to relax and let this big move integrate before I move forward. However, if I stay stagnant then my dreams will just pass me by and I’ll one day be old and wrinkly and look back at all the should haves…”

So this is me. Writing a blog post even though I’m annoyed at all the people who have blogs because, like, you really think what you have to say is THAT profound?

No. I don’t think what I have to say is profound. I do think I need to say it, though. And perhaps one person will benefit from reading it.

So I’m calling my Inner Wisdom to the stage and am going to have a free flow dialogue and see what comes through. I’m going to allow myself space to be whiny and sulky and radically honest.

Inner Wisdom: I feel left out and saddened by other people’s success, like they have something I don’t.

They have something you don’t. And you have something they don’t. Every person is an individual expression, but that doesn’t mean one is more prone to success than another. Further, keep in mind that they too may struggle with comparing themselves to others who are further along on the path they desire.

But I don’t exactly know the path I want. I’ve seen myself doing speaking events and a Ted Talk and videos and writing screenplays and teaching workshops and finishing books. It all seems so scattered.

They may seem scattered, but the truth is that they all have a common thread of EXPRESSION. Sharing. Opening up and allowing the light to flow into, through, and out of you to further impact others.

Cool story, bro. A common thread, yadda yadda. But what about choosing one?

Why choose one if you can have them all?

That seems far-fetched based on where I currently am.

Your current situation – 5+ years sober, in a loving relationship, making a living doing what you love, living in your own place, healed from an autoimmune disorder, healed from suicidality, one written book under your belt, etc… This would have seemed far-fetched to year ago you, or three year ago you. It’s all perspective.

Okay, so how do I shift my perspective in the now?

Your fear is that if you allow yourself to celebrate the current victory, that you’ll remain stagnant and stale in this state of events. If you stay still and grateful, you fear you’re accepting less than what you desire. Correct?

I didn’t think of it that way, but yes. I’m afraid if I don’t keep moving, that I’ll send the wrong message to the Universe.

Or is it possible that by staying still, you’re allowing the Universe and its blessings to more easily find you? By constantly moving, you’re running from what you desire rather than allowing it to find you.

But what about all the “work hard” and “blood, sweat, and tears” sort of thing? I feel that, by resting and relaxing, I’m using it as an excuse to sabotage and avoid what I really ought to be doing… Which is buckling down and working hard toward my dreams.

This sounds enjoyable to you, no? Buckling down and working on your dreams.

Yes.

Why?

Because then I’ll know I’m doing enough.

Most of what needs to happen is behind-the-scenes. Working hard for the sake of working hard is merely busy work.

AHHHHHH! This is fucking annoying because I feel like I’m caught in circular logic here as well and I’m frustrated and annoyed that I’m essentially TALKING TO MYSELF and am considering sharing it with people and what the fuck am I doing?

You’re in the in-between space. You’ve no idea the energy and Love and Guidance and Growth you’ve unlocked by making the decisions and changes you’ve made. Just because you don’t see everything you desire right in front of you right this very moment (which you couldn’t handle, by the way) doesn’t mean it isn’t on the way to you.

But wouldn’t it make more sense to be working on my dreams and projects rather than just sitting around?

It’s all about the intention behind working / playing on a project. If you can do it from a relaxed state of mind rather than pressuring yourself, go ahead. Otherwise, it’s better to rest and recharge your brain and body to realign with the Flow of Inspiration.

Okay so. Let me see if I have this right. Working on projects is great and fine, but the real deal is the feeling and intention behind it. If I’m working because I feel inspired or I feel excited, that’s fine. If I’m forcing myself to work, then I’m doing it from a sense of control… and micro-managing… Busying myself for the sake of busying myself so I can mark it off my to-do list and know I’ve been/done “enough.”

Correct.

So the sooner I surrender to truly relaxing, without guilting myself in the process or running the script in my head that I’m settling or failing, the sooner I’ll recharge and realign…?

In theory, yes. Realistically, the Inspiration is on its way to you. It’s up to you how you spend your time waiting. Are you going to relax and take it easy, or are you going to take it seriously and drive yourself mad? The choice is yours.

I guess I’ll relax and take it easy and trust that everything is working out, even though I don’t have a zoomed-out enough view to see how all aspects intertwine and I really really wish I did.

It’s called Leap of Faith for a reason.

Fair. Thank you.

Always.

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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

One thought on ““But does it really matter?” — a question / answer attitude adjustment

  1. Great post !
    Glad you wrote it … I learned a little bit more about myself.

    Amazing dog painting ! (which is the photo ??!!)

    OH.. did you end up relaxing and watching Netflix after all ?

    LOL

    Keep the Faith!

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