Sometimes I take things too literally. I’ll hear a statement like “your thoughts and words become your reality” and take it so seriously that I’ll become a hyper-vigilant micro-manager of my thoughts and words and actions. I’ll run everything through a filter. I’ll always be “on.”
To an extent, this awareness can be helpful in rewiring the brain.
The issue with taking something like this to an extreme is that I become obsessive, and I enslave myself within my mind. I use shoulds as shackles and rules as rows of rigid bars. I lock myself inside myself, only letting the parts out I’ve deemed appropriate, approved, lovable.
This has happened behind-the-scenes, without my conscious effort. Aside from feeling a little outside myself and distanced from the overall human experience, I’ve been operating normally. I knew on some level that I was “off,” and I also knew the truth would come to the surface without my digging for it.
And it did. Through increased amounts of discomfort, it bubbled to the surface.
I’ve had wonderful blessings happen lately, and I’ve been doing what I preach about not doing: I’ve been clinging. I’ve been working super hard to stay in the flow, which is the exact opposite of being in the flow.
I’ve been doing whatever I can to try and control the outcome and make it what *I* want it to be.
Which is, of course, being super rich and super fit and super happy and super successful and to be done in a specific manner.
You know what’s odd, though? Any time I’ve had money or success flow into my life and any time I’ve truly been happy, it’s been because I’ve finally released attachment to any specific outcome. I finally got physically fit once I accepted my body exactly as it was and let go of my idea of an ideal body. I started exercising from a place of self-love and health rather than from a vanity standpoint or to try and change myself. Guess what? The weight just… fell off.
I used to think that accepting something for what it is was akin to giving up. “If I accept my overweight body,” I once said to my therapist, “then I’m resigning myself to be with it forever.”
Acceptance is what allows change. Acceptance gives us a starting point, opening our minds and hearts to what currently is rather than closing ourselves off with a myriad of should-be’s and could-be’s.
I have been so lost in the what-if’s that I lost track of the blessings in my present existence. I logically knew what to be grateful for, but I couldn’t feel it.
There’s a difference there. Between knowing a thing in our mind and then knowing it in an embodied, integrated way.
I’ve experienced big changes lately. I left a job I had for five years and a living situation I’d been in for two and a half. I left a steady biweekly income of a specific amount and $0/month rent to live my dream, to make a living with my creative and intuitive endeavors… And I’m now in an apartment. With rent.
If someone else did this, I’d cheer them on on the outside and then feel scared for them on the inside.
Which is precisely what I’ve been doing. I’ve been sharing highlights with everyone, discussing the synchronicities which led to these changes, and I’ve told people how great everything is going.
“What we focus on grows,” I kept telling myself as I forced myself to only divulge words of faith, wisdom, gratitude, etc.
But you know what’s more powerful than any of that? Truth.
And here is the truth:
I am afraid. I’m afraid to live alone because when I lived alone years ago I was very sick. I’ve since recovered from Breast Implant Illness and Suicidality, which makes the experience different. Doesn’t stop me from feeling scared.
I’m afraid to follow my dreams. Sure, I post to a blog. I work on books behind-the-scenes. I share stuff on social media and get “likes”.
But, I haven’t submitted an article anywhere in two years. I have yet to finish a movie script. I have two nearly completed books that I’m scared to complete.
I’m scared to post this, to share what I’m afraid of. I’m scared it’ll make it all manifest and that I’ll learn my lesson for not being more careful with my words.
I’m not sure what is to come. I know I’m in the Hallway period right now, walking from one “room” to the next. I’ll know what’s in the next room once I arrive at the door. In the meantime, it’s my job to take one wobbly step after another.
I can experience both faith and fear. I can be afraid while continuing to move forward. That’s what courage is.
And so, although I feel outside of myself and disconnected and although I’m having a bit of a struggle with all these big changes at once… And although I’m afraid to post this because of the potential comments of what I’m doing wrong or how I can manifest better by doing XYZ… I’m still choosing to write this.
And share this.
Because this is what freedom is for me. This is where it starts. With accepting where I am, getting honest and real about it, and then allowing inspired action steps from there.
I’m going to pray to my version of god and then go to sleep.
I can only hope this post helps someone. Resonates in some way. If nothing else, I bypassed perfectionism and resistance in sharing this.
And that is a big win.
One thought on “What I’m afraid to say is…”
Bravo for sharing. Very relatable.