April 5, 2014 was my last drink. It was a swig of Grey Goose right out of the bottle, at around 9AM.
Since then, some of the most amazing and magical blessings have come into my life. I mean, it took a shit pile of work to take an honest look at myself, clear out resentments, shame, and guilt, and to make amends for my past. It has taken a lot of practice to become rigorously honest with myself and in relationship with others.
Shit, it took a long time before I could even sit with myself without feeling like I’d have a panic attack.
But, y’know… I figured I was going to be alive and miserable anyway… So I may as well be alive, miserable, and working toward some form of spiritual relief rather than spiraling downward for the rest of my unfulfilled life.
I’m grateful to past Jen for her efforts.
This past April marked five years of continuous sobriety for me.
I didn’t share about it on social media. I didn’t celebrate it. I sort of hid out and didn’t talk about it.
Not sure why. Maybe I was afraid its vision was based on movement and my talking about it would make it scurry away… Or perhaps I worried it’d be taken as bragging.
I see now, though, that my sharing my experience, strength, and hope is my responsibility as part of my recovery. This shows other people that recovery is possible, and opens a line of communication if folks are interested.
So really… It’s selfish to NOT share.
Sobriety has brought me many blessings (and continues to).
So, in line with the five year celebration, here are five miracles which have happened to me in the last five years!
1. I learned I had an autoimmune disorder called Breast Implant Illness, which was making me incredibly sick. I had moved home with my parents because I couldn’t work longer than a couple hours without getting woozy, foggy, and exhausted. Figuring out what was wrong with me was the first step. Next, I had to have the surgery. I had my implants removed in May 2017. All my health has returned and nearly all symptoms have left me. I have my life back!
I thought that I’d feel self conscious without having big tits. But, guess what? I am more confident than I’ve ever been. I love my natural body and the scars which now decorate it!
2. I met the love of my life, who is also in recovery. November will mark two years together. I have never felt safer, more comfortable, or more seen by another human being. We are deeply honest with one another, and what we’re building together is magical and fun and calming and serene.
I met his kiddos after we’d been together for a year. They’re simply amazing. I never thought I’d have kids in my life. In fact, I was terrified at that idea. However, now I can’t imagine a life without them.
Also, we’re both super weird with dark senses of humor. I couldn’t have written it better myself.
3. I started Choi Kwang Do training. This is something I’d wanted to try for decades, but was afraid to do. I tried to walk out during my first class because I felt like I sucked and could never possibly be good at it. Last month, I got my green belt!
Martial Arts has been amazing for my mental, emotional, and physical help. It’s helped heal old injuries and has drastically increased my confidence.
Aaannnddd… I’m becoming an instructor! On August 24th I’ll be getting my instructor certification!
4. I have officially moved into full-on self-employment with my creative and intuitive endeavors!
I worked a technical / creative writing job for five years. It was a wonderful opportunity in a lot of ways, and increasingly unhealthy in others. For the last year I’d been praying (to my idea of God / the Universe / Love), surrendering my professional life to this higher power.
I knew I wanted to be out of a typical corporate environment. I just didn’t know how to do it. I’d tried a “leap of faith” approach a few times before and, frankly, fell on my face… Quickly running back to the comforts of corporate America.
I didn’t have the “faith” part of the leap of faith. I see that now.
One day late June, I watched myself write the following into my calendar:
I was in sort of a trance state when I wrote it down. Afterward, I was like… “UM WHAT.”
How the heck was I gonna’ make that happen?!
Instead of questioning it or trying to control it or hide from it, I embraced it. I told a few friends about my final day for accountability purposes… And I dove in.
The following days held some of the most synchronistic and miraculous experiences I’ve ever had. $2,000 in commissioned paintings made their way to me. Then coaching clients, Reiki clients, animal communication clients.
All “out of nowhere”.
So… I decided to jump. Being held and carried by this larger-than-me power, I jumped. And holy wow, am I glad I did.
My last day of work at the office gig was officially July 31st, and I am now officially fully self-employed! Doing what I love for a living!
5. I GOT MY OWN PLACE.
I moved to my parents’ house in March 2017 because I was super sick, super tired, and super in debt. My dad gave up his office so I could move myself and my dog and my various hippo figurines in and stay until I was ready and healthy enough to go back out on my own.
It hurt my pride. Ooohhhh, it stung.
But it was one of the most amazing experiences. I grew closer with my brother and both my parents. I got out of debt. I healed from an autoimmune disorder. I wrote a second book.
I set the intention in June to get my own place by the end of the year, but I didn’t really think it was gonna’ happen.
And then, it did.
Divinely inspired, just like the job thing. As they say in AA: “God doing for me what I could not do for myself.”
CUE: ANOTHER SLEW OF SYNCHRONICITIES.
This past weekend I had friends and family and my amazing boyfriend show the fuck up for me and help me move into a space 10x the size of my little room with a fold-up bed and dog-smelling sofa!
I have an office space and a studio space. The apartment backs up to a fenced in backyard for my pup, Floyd. It’s affordable and close and comfy.
I am learning to be more receptive to people’s help and to the many blessings this life has to offer. I’m learning that I am worthy of love and success, just as I am… And that the best way to learn is to freakin’ go for it.
So this is me… Telling you… That I’m going for it.
And I think you should too. 😉