clarity, boundaries, & saying “fuck yea” to whatever’s next

My hours got cut at work.

And I am amped.

I’ve bounced back and forth between

I CLEARLY MUST HAVE A SUCCESSFUL FREELANCE CAREER DOING WHAT I LOVE.

and

Realistically, having the structure of a normal desk job is good for me. Maybe I should commit myself to a full-time schedule? Is that the responsible thing to do?

For YEARS I have struggled with this.

After my spontaneous spiritual awakening, I had all kinds of intuitive abilities open up for me. People started to seek me out for them. Energy work (reiki), animal communication, intuitive coaching sessions. I was overwhelmed with sessions.

It was great, until it wasn’t.

I’ve struggled with boundaries most my life, physically and emotionally. I struggled to say “no” and to stand up for myself. Only recently have I begun handling confrontations, albeit wobble-kneed with a bit of a shaky voice. (I get stronger each time!) Opening up to this concept of energetic boundaries was pretty baffling and confusing to me.

Have you ever been in a great mood and then talked to a person who was struggling… And then walked away feeling lousy while they felt better?

That’s what I mean by poor energetic boundaries.

Since I got sober (a little over five years ago), my life has been a lot of… “Is this emotion mine or someone else’s?” I could walk by a person – not even communicating with them – and feel totally drained, as if something was sucking my life force dry.

And so… Intuitively connecting with animals or people or situations – especially if those animals or people were sick or in pain – became increasingly challenging for me. If, on a Monday, someone scheduled a session with me for the following Friday, I’d start getting stomachaches and feel exhausted and anxious, without knowing why. Then, come time for the session, I’d consciously connect in with the client and discover they had stomach and anxiety issues.

Oh, that explains it.

I didn’t know how to separate myself from feeling other beings’ stuff.

So I stopped doing sessions. For over a year. And have busted my ass on learning all about boundaries and how to, yknow, HAVE THEM.

During that time, I’ve prayed a lot to the Universe/God asking for guidance. “Show me what you will have me do professionally.” And, “Please give me clarity on whether I should dive back into structured corporate work or focus on freelance.”

I flopped around about it. A lot. I must’ve had the “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO PROFESSIONALLY” conversation with my boyfriend 312 times in that one year.

He’s a patient, patient man.

The “hallways” can be challenging for me. Yknow… Those times between decisions when we’re on our way to the next door/clarity? The times of unknown and a lotta’ “what the fuck am I moving toward right now?”

And then last week I received the news: My hours are being cut 20%. I’m going from 4 days a week to 3 days.

After I left work that day I called different peeps from my support system and was like, “GREAT NEWS. MY HOURS GOT CUT.” And they’re all, “I’m sorry.” And I was like, “No seriously. This is awesome. It’s the clarity I’ve wanted!”

I legitimately am in a place where I have no choice but to lean into my freelance work, to open myself to more of the unknown.

Rather than feeling stressed, you know what I feel? Curious and excited.

When I wrote my first book, I had no job. I chose to lean in, to trust that I’d be supported… Even though I had ZERO idea how.

And guess what? I was. I had the money find me in the most “random” ways. A friend gifting me $100 as a bookmark in a book he lent me. Another friend asking if I’d help brush horses at a horse show for $60. These both happened the day before a $160 gas bill was due.

I was out of groceries, and an AirBNB guest who’d stayed in my house for the weekend left me a $50 Publix gift card as extra thanks for taking care of their dog.

Yea. A lot of spine tingling stuff happened.

And I’m excited to experience more.

Rather than, “OH FUCK HOW AM I GOING TO MAKE MONEY?!” I feel, “Oh, it’ll be exciting to see how money finds me.”

In the meantime, I’m slowly opening myself back up to intuitive work. I’m painting more, and working on getting prints made of my art. I’m doing whatever feels tingly and warm in my belly. I’m trusting my gut, and I’m taking it one step at a time.

Time to LEAN IN and see what happens. I have no idea where the Universe is guiding me… And I’m legitimately excited.

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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

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