Day 26 of 30: Remember that time you melted down in the Kroger self checkout lane and screamed profanity while punching the machine…?

…And your then-boyfriend had to tackle you to the ground and quietly convince you to leave? And you pushed the automatic doors off their hinges because they just weren’t opening fast enough JUST LIKE NOTHING EVER WORKED OUT FOR YOU ANYWAY?



That’s right.

That was me.

See… After my spontaneous spiritual awakening…

PAUSE BUTTON. Here’s what I mean about “spontaneous”…

One day I was eating vodka for breakfast, and only cared about money and accolades and having big tits and a thigh gap, and was atheist on most days and agnostic the rest [unless I got way too drunk, then I’d pray to anything I could think of, swearing I’d stop if they/it/he/she only made me feel better… Never to follow up with my promise.]… and then SUDDENLY I woke up and no longer craved alcohol, all my intuitive abilities were switched ON, and I realized I wasn’t actually the victim of life and was here for a purpose.

It was a little more involved than that, but that’s the long and short of it.

The whole thing was disorienting, to say the least.


After that happened, I dove into all the “woo” stuff.

My therapist gets onto me about calling it “woo”… As if I’m belittling the metaphysical community. I’m not.

I don’t think it’s all woo. I know there’s truth and validity to much of what is out there.

There’s also a lot of fluff and bullshit.

Which made me sad all day for a while… Because I thought that interacting with spiritual people would protect me from assholes or fraud.


So one of the big things was this saying:


And so I was like…

Welp. I am here for a purpose, and I’m an intuitive badass and God’s gift to spirituality, so if I quit my job (leap) I will magically be fully supported (by a financial net).

So, I quit. As one does when six months sober with no plan aside from “I’m gonna’ write a book!*”

*subtext/expectation: and make millions!!!!!

*reality: I completed the book. I’ve sold like 150 copies.

Fast forward to the Kroger moment, about a year into my spiritual leap journey.

I had accrued tens of thousands of dollars in debt because I was using credit cards for groceries and supplements and basic life stuff all under the assumption that magical checks were going to find me any day and remove me from debt.

And I read up on abundance and Law of Attraction and my relationship to money… And I did all kinds of work around it. I did EFT tapping and journaling and past life work and hypnotherapy and the whole shebang.


Even though I never played the lottery.


Turns out, that’s not how it was destined to work for me.

See… It doesn’t matter if I’m using an essential oil blend for Abundance or doing positive affirmations about how much money loves me or reading a book about being a badass at making money.

Those are all in an effort to address the symptom.

They’re in an effort to control. To gain the outcome I seek. What’s the outcome? TO BE RICH AND FAMOUS AS FUCK, Y’ALL.

At least, that’s what it used to be.

**When did becoming famous become such a shared aspiration? What happened to wanting to be veterinarians and marine biologists and fire fighters? Now it’s like we don’t exist unless we have an audience tickling our dopamine receptors with every like / comment / share.**

The real root issue — at least my limited understanding of it — is that we have this base line programming we’re running off of. It is comprised of beliefs, patterns, learned behaviors, and stories we’ve gained and created in an effort to make sense of our outside world.

THAT PROGRAM is what invites in / blocks out experiences, based on what I believe to be feasible, deserved, realistic, etc.

In short: I can do 100 affirmations a day and get all up in the Feng Shui bagua for Wealth & Prosperity… but the lasting shifts won’t happen until I shift / rewrite the core programming / beliefs.

I’m learning about this thing called WORTH and my programming around it. Sometimes, I don’t feel worthy. Of love, of like, of my job, my relationship, my friends, or my dog. I can get really down on myself. (Those close to me told me I was hard on myself. I didn’t see it until recently.) And this ripples out and impacts my whole life, finances included.

If I’m not able to be receptive to compliments, for instance, how on earth can I be receptive to monetary miracles or spontaneous professional opportunities?

If I feel lousy about myself, I’ll be less likely to take chances, less likely to put myself out there, and less likely to say “yes” to opportunities and/or push through fear.

Feeling worthless goes hand-in-hand with staying small.

It blows me away that a week ago I could be calm and certain of my awesomeness and today I want reassurance from everyone, including the other drivers on the road.

But, this is where I am today… And I’m choosing to honor that. To sit in the discomfort of sharing vulnerably even when I feel lousy and panicky and unconfident.

Because… The only way to rewrite my base-level programming about worth is to make different decisions. To treat myself like I’m worthy, to talk to myself with love and patience, to stand up for myself and speak my mind even when it’s scary.

I mean, a few years ago I was picking fights with inanimate objects so like… I think I’ve come a long way.

As I stand up tall – wobble-kneed and everything – treating myself with love and appreciation, opportunities will find me. Love and appreciation will find me. Because… it’s all around us and running through us, all the time. It’s up to me to stand up, put my shoulders back, open my arms, and say “Yes!”

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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

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