Day 16 of 30: The power of “I don’t know.”

Geez. I can get so wrapped up in trying to figure out why I feel the way I feel. I think it’s in an effort to control the situation, or to at least have an illusion of control.

There are times when a trigger is clear. I’m able to feel the verbalize the precise moment an old story got activated for me. There are other times I’m able to interrupt and interrogate my thoughts, disengaging from their roller coaster ride. I quickly return to reality, and I feel calm and grateful.

But… Sometimes I don’t know why I feel the way I feel. I don’t know what triggered it or what the lesson is. My tricks to disengage don’t work. Everything I do seems to make it worse. Then I start to panic at how out-of-control I really am.

But… Does it really matter why?

In these instances, I’m learning to settle into a place of present-moment acceptance of how I feel rather than a panicked attempt to change how I feel. I’m learning to breathe, to physically feel the sensations in my body, and to let go of this obsession around the intellectual why.

Oftentimes the clarity comes after the storm has passed, not during it. 

Or maybe it won’t. Maybe I won’t exactly know where a storm came from or what the lesson was. And even that’s okay.

Sometimes it’s a profound realization. Other times it’s a gentle shift. 

But there’s always change. There’s always progress, even if I’m not consciously able to label or define it.

It’s okay to say I don’t know. Shrug it off and get back to taking life one step at a time. Even if you feel uncomfortable, life continues happening. Accomplish one task at a time, and allow yourself space to feel exactly how you feel.

In fact, I’m falling in love with saying I don’t know. Up until recently, I always had to have an answer… Some kind of answer. Even if I had zero clue about a subject, I could bullshit with the best of ’em.

Now, I am completely comfortable saying, “I don’t know.” Or, “Hm. I’m not really sure.” Or my favorite is when I immediately start responding, catch myself mid thought, and say something like, “Please disregard all that; I actually have no idea. Sometimes I’m more comfortable pretending I know.”

But… My worth isn’t based on my knowledge. And you know what’s great?

“I don’t know” opens the door to the unknown. The endless, expansive unknown. It helps me settle during the in-between times rather than scramble to try and figure shit out. Like… lying back and floating atop the waves… Settling into the flow.

And that sounds way better than trying to control or limit or box something in.

Is there some sort of “why” you’ve been stressed over? What would happen if you let go of the why and simply accepted “I don’t know” as an adequate response?

In other news, this month of focusing on radical self-love and radical self-acceptance has been one of the most transformational journeys. I look forward to sharing more aha’s with you in the coming days and weeks.

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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

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