May, Myself, & I: A Self-Love Experiment
DAY NINE: You’re not a burden.
“You’re here to spread god’s message,” a friend once told me. “You’re like a lioness standing on a mountaintop, here to roar.” I smiled and thanked them. They continued, “How funny that when you get to a down place-a place of depression or uncertainty or fear-you go internal. You close off from the world.”
He went on to explain that the enemy’s whispers tell me not to share, tell me that I’m a burden, and often convince me that the best and kindest thing to do is hide from everyone… To save them from me.
It’s odd for me to mention god or the enemy. This is a new thing for me. I’ve spent years pursuing a relationship with some sort of higher power, attempting to quantify it and understand it through researching quantum physics and the law of attraction and the like.
But, when I stop trying to put god in a box, I realize two things:
- My idea of god doesn’t have to match yours. My idea is more of an energy flow, an overall collective conscious, a vibration of love. For a while my concept of god was some judgmental micro-managing ass hat. And then, y’know, I decided to rewrite that concept into a new one.
- The bottom line is that I am not the greatest power in the Universe. And, as such, there is something higher than me. Sometimes I’ve prayed to Nature, other times to Love, other times to what I called Quantum Fred. Doesn’t matter—just has to be something outside of me.
I have a prayer that I do as part of my recovery. In it, it says: “Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy, Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life.” – But every time I said it, I had this counteractive thought in my head of, “Yea but I’m gonna’ help them MY way. I’m certainly not gonna’ mention the god thing. Because that’s a loaded topic and I don’t want people to think I’m some religious freak.”
But… A year ago is when I finally let go of trying to control my depressive and suicidal tendencies and instead was like, “ALRIGHT GOD – OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE OR IF YOU EVEN EXIST – SHOW ME HOW TO LIVE. BECAUSE WHAT I’M DOING IS NOT WORKING.”
And the suicidal ideations that had plagued me for decades were removed. Just… Lifted out of me.
Prior to that, I’d tried past life regression, shitpiles of therapy, essential oils, self-talk, tapping, yoga, reiki, meditation, and so on and so forth. It was all helpful and I continue to utilize each of them. But this GOD thing… This weird super loaded topic… Is what yielded a freedom I never ever thought possible for me.
Each day… Sometimes multiple times a day, I consciously choose to believe. Why? Because my life feels better when I do. I become a kinder person. Synchronicities flood my life, and opportunities arise that are SO AMAZING that I sometimes wonder if I’m actually on a version of The Truman Show.
I’m learning that it doesn’t matter if someone else thinks I’m full of shit. I know what has worked for me. I know what my experience has been. And I know that when I began to open my heart and mind to some sort of loving force outside myself, the deep pain I held within me started to vanish… The darkness being replaced by light.
And the most loving thing for me to do for myself is to STOP BEING ASHAMED of that fact. As if finding a way to do it all on my own and marketing that idea to others is some sort of feat. No. I’m telling you-I tried to do it on my own. And I was atheist and then eventually agnostic and now I’m just like, “Fuck it. Whatever. There’s something and I’m not it.”
And it’s as simple as that.
So, to those struggling. Or curious. Or adamantly against the idea. Maybe look at what concept of god you’ve been fed. What have you learned? What would happen if you imagined a more loving, supportive force? And what if you at least pretended that this force could flow through you and assist you in making life easier?
Just… What if?
This is the first time I’ve posted about god in a while. And no, I don’t always capitalize god. Because my god isn’t some ass hat that’s like “your grammar sucks go burn in hell.” That’s not how it works in my heart and in my world.
I’ve learned that when I close off and go internal, I absorb and soak up and store my pain. It feeds itself and begins to weigh me down and drown me. When I instead do the uncomfortable thing and share how I’m feeling and what I’m experiencing – even if it’s scary or embarrassing or whatever – I feel a tenderness and lightness and love well within me. And I realize that the shit I spin out about really isn’t that big of a deal. When we share, it lessens the burden. It lets the light in.