Mostly I’m excited that I wrote the word “masturbation” in the title of this blog entry.
I haven’t posted in over a month, which is the longest I’ve gone without posting in [insert dramatically long time here].
Guess what happened?
Welp, I started making fun doodle videos…
Like this one about how to be less batshit crazy in a relationship:
And this one about how no one (not even Will Smith) will rescue us from depressive times:
And this one about how we have to start SOMEWHERE in order to achieve our goals:
And then I got really ballsy and made a real-talk video about my journey with melanoma, Breast Implant Illness, and healing from body image issues.
And everything got a great response.
And it scared the ever-loving shit out of me.
So I hid and watched Netflix. And stopped making videos. BECAUSE THAT MAKES SENSE.
Going into the video-making journey, I was aware of this old pattern. I’d start something, it’d do well, then the initial excitement would wear off and I’d take it personally because I wasn’t an immediate viral sensation.
EXAMPLE. The first rap video I ever made got 6,000 views on FB within a few days.
So I got amped, realized I was obvi destined to be a rapper, and promptly made a second rap video. I wore Spanx and everything.
And people responded and were like “your first one was better!” and less people watched it and I then proceeded to avoid all rapping for like six months.
Because clearly this meant I actually wasn’t good at rapping, the first one was a one hit wonder, and if I made any others then people who find out I was a fraud.
Fast forward to now where I have 5-10 nearly finished raps written, yet haven’t jumped in to actually film them.
WHY? What am I so afraid of?
It’s not really what other people think of me. I mean it is, but it isn’t. I can’t control that, after all. So really, I’m afraid of what I’ll think of me. I’m afraid of falling into a deep pit of despair, sabotaging myself, and stress-eating almond butter until I become a fat blob from Wall-E.
I really can be a micro-managing bully to myself.
On the other end of the extreme, I can coddle myself to the point of encouraging apathy.
If only those two could boink and make a love child, I’d wear it as a sweater and live a balanced life forever and ever amen.
Here are a few favorite things I’ve learned lately. I’m not yet a pro with any of these, as I’m still integrating the lessons, and I think they’re helpful to share.
- It is selfish for us to not share our gifts. — Someone said this to me and I looked at her like a lobster was coming out of her head. She explained that god had given me a message to share and that I was being selfish by hiding behind fear and keeping the message (videos, writing, etc.) all to myself.
- Impacting a few people is just as important as impacting a few million. — Why? Because each individual person is just as important as the next. If I stop myself from sharing a video because I think “only 7 people will watch it”… Then I’m essentially saying they’re not worth my time. That’s silly talk!
- Doing > Thinking. — My brain loves playing with itself. I have this certain affinity toward getting all caught up in “what’s the next RIGHT thing to do?” … As if there’s only one right answer. As a result, I sit there and toy with the thought / decision until it grows into a big decision monster and I become paralyzed by its size and intensity… And then I give up out of pure overwhelm. — The real way to figure something out is to take a messy, awkward first step forward… And figure out the rest as we go.
So here is my promise to you… And to myself:
I will make a video by the end of this week, and I will post it.
I also will record another rap.
Also, I’ve finished draft 1 of my second book, and I’m going to have it ready for trial readers by October 1st.
IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE HAVE A HISTORY OF SUICIDALITY OR REALLY LOW SPOTS and you’d be interested in giving this book a read? Let me know. I need roughly 5 trial readers to start.
The book is about re-framing suicidal ideations and learning how to survive (and thrive) as a sensitive person in a loud spiky world. There is humor… And there are doodles. Always doodles.
Glad to be back.
2 thoughts on “Analysis Paralysis, Self-Sabotage, & Intellectual Masturbation”
Glad you are back! Love your new insight too!!
Thank you, my love. Looking forward to what’s on the other side of fear!