I’m learning that I’m kind of an odd bird.
Like, I’ve worked really hard to expand my awareness and become less… I dunno… overanalytical or contradicting. And to overall tone down the inherent crazy female brain I have.
I hesitate to write something like that because I anticipate someone being like “THIS IS THE PROBLEM. YOU’RE FURTHERING THE STEREOTYPE BY SAYING SEXIST GENERALIZATIONS.”
If ^^^ that person is you, I’m willing to bet you’re a female. And that’s the exact reaction I’m referring to with ‘crazy female brain.’
Women are amazing. We can grow and birth little alien creatures from our insides. We rock.
We also can be batshit crazy.
My particular brand of crazy is that I want to control things. I want them to be just to my liking, but without me having to express what my liking is.
Some days I don’t mix my starches with my proteins.
Other days I say fuck it and eat ice cream.
(But then I still maintain that I don’t eat sugar.)
And then other days I stare with squinty eyes of judgment as my boyfriend eats cookies.
And somehow, he rides the roller coaster. And gets some twisted form of enjoyment out of it.
I’m a great person; don’t get me wrong. I’m caring and loving and tender and sassy and witty and thoughtful. I also have the capacity to be, y’know, relatively impossible.
Example of an actual conversation:
Thankfully I’m learning to hold the bubble thoughts in. This is huge progress from, say, a decade ago when my then-boyfriend told me my mom undercooked her chicken and I responded as any reasonable person would in that situation: by slamming on the brakes in the middle of the road and demanding he “GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!” of the car.
In other news, I enjoy sharing these behind-the-scenes things. The real-talk stuff. My brain thoughts and the inner crazy that I work hard to balance via hours of meditation and mantras and yoga. I find that sharing this stuff is helpful for others, too.
Here I am… Almost a year into having this blog… Totally bored by the idea. And I’m like
I COULD HAVE www.RELATIVELYPARTICULAR.com or www.RELATIVELYIMPOSSIBLE.com AND HAVE IT BE TOTALLY DEDICATED TO MY OBSESSIVE TENDENCIES AND OCCASIONAL BOUTS OF INSANITY!
Which is true. I could do that.
But then I also have www.jenniferannbutler.com and www.theimperfectbook.com and THIS SITE.
And I sell paintings and do freelance writing. And I somehow want it ALL TO EXIST TOGETHER ON ONE SITE. And I’m not sure how to do that.
And so, rather than have a meltdown and hide under my covers about it, I decided I’d write this post. I’m not making any drastic decisions. I’m not changing any websites or migrating to a site in specific. I’m just taking this one step.
I am putting this post into the Universe as an invitation and REQUEST.
HI UNIVERSE. I want to share my doodles/comics and my words and my paintings and my books and also market workshops and share some type of program/PDF-downloadable thingy for other sensitive creative people.
AND I WANT TO DO THIS IN A SIMPLE, ORGANIZED FASHION. Preferably ONE WEBSITE for ALL THE THINGS.
So… Show me the way!