Day 270 of 365: feel the suck. get the prize.

My boyfriend is a generally happy person. He lives his life in the middle numbers on the 1-10 scale. That’s kind of his base level of existence.

When I get in wonky places, he’s able to easily snap me out of them. He’ll call me on my shit if I’m having a pity party, or he’ll make me laugh.

And I appreciate it, deeply.

That being said, I’ve felt as though I’ve been fending off some ouchy feelings over the last week. Each day, to get ahead of these feelings, I’ve been meditating for 30 minutes, doing yoga, going on a walk/jog, and going to a 12 step meeting. I’ve been reaching out to people, being of service, and praying a whole lot.

Once I do all those things, I feel like I’ve reached a level of contentment.

Here’s the thing. Yes, I want to be content. But I don’t want to hijack myself into being so. I don’t want to have to do certain things in order to feel okay. This is something I have to be particularly mindful of… Because one of my patterns in the past has been around this idea of my not being inherently whole. My needing to do certain things to be okay or be successful.

Also, while other people do indeed have great advice and guidance… And while reaching out to others is particularly helpful when I’m in a dark place… I need to learn to trust my inner voice above all else.

My biggest goal is to be authentic. To feel what I’m feeling and to trust myself and my higher self / higher power to pull me through each ebb and flow.

This morning I woke up feeling a sense of dread about the day… And about my job. About where I am in life versus where I truly want to be. Feeling detached from myself. Feeling angry at and disappointed in myself. I know I need to cry. I know I learn and heal when I experience the more painful states of being.

Also, there’s such power in allowing myself to feel the dread. Allowing myself to feel how out-of-alignment certain parts of my life are. If I avoid the discomfort, then what will motivate me to change?

Either that or this is all some form of manipulative self-sabotage that resides in my unconscious and I’m going along for the ride in a trusting state of naivety.

For a while, I avoided saying I was angry with or disappointed with myself. It was all mushy love, all the time.

But I realize I’ve been handling myself with kid gloves. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be disappointed. It happens in other relationships; why wouldn’t it happen in the relationship with myself?

As long as I use these feelings as fuel to make a change, to move forward, or to transform in some kind of way, then they’re useful indeed.

And so today, I am home from work. I am allowing myself to cocoon. I feel safest experiencing my feelings when I’m alone in my room with the doors locked. (I do desire to more authentically share my feelings with those close to me, and I’m making consistent progress toward that goal.)

For now, I’m giving myself space to feel the suck. Giving myself permission to not be okay.

Because, as much as I want to jump to the intellectual interpretation of the lesson of what I’m experiencing… I can’t truly get there in an integrative way without allowing the feelings to process and flow through me first.

Feel the suck… And get the prize.

Anyone else have a different point of view?


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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

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