Day 249 of 365: cutting ties, and holding on for dear life

I hate that I struggle with suicidal shit sometimes. I really, really do. For a long time I didn’t. It was like an old friend to me.

Now it’s more like a black hole… Or a magnet that attracts all my joy and flushes it.

I haven’t wanted to write about it because I’m too tired to sort through people’s responses… Their advice… Their “answers”.

I know that everyone is doing the best they can. I know that people care about me and want me to feel better. I know that recommendations and unsolicited guidance come from a place of love… Of wanting to help.

But when I’m in these rough places, I don’t have the energy to pretend to appreciate these responses. I don’t have the energy to explain what I’m experiencing to yet another person who doesn’t understand it.

I don’t have the energy to hear people say…

Maybe you need drugs…

Maybe you need more therapy or a different therapist…

Have you tried essential oils?

And respond with, “Hm. Maybe you’re right. Thanks.”

Nor do I have the energy to say the truth, which is: “I have tried what you’re recommending. I consistently try it. And I’m still experiencing this. So either help me stay on earth or kindly fuck off.”

Each time I go through a rough bout, some type of realization or lesson comes with it. Some changes are made, and life improves. Or… it becomes more authentic. For this, I’m grateful.

This go around, I deactivated all basic social media accounts. FB, Instagram, Twitter. And I deleted my 50+ YouTube videos.

I had to cut ties.

Not forever. But certainly for now.

I need to find a way to anchor into chance. Anchor into synchronicity. Anchor into god, into life, into right now. And fucking around on social media apps isn’t how that will happen.

I never scroll through Instagram and feel better about myself. I never click through Facebook and think, WOW I’m glad I did that!

If there was a certain food that I ate… And every time I ate it I felt sick… I’d stop eating that food.

I’m looking at the things in my life that make me feel shitty, and I’m getting rid of them.

The next step, once my energy has returned, is to move forward on 2018 being The Year of Fun… And, y’know, start doing some fun stuff I’ve always wanted to try.

Get rid of stuff that makes me feel shitty… Invite in stuff that makes me feel joyful… Seems like a pretty simple plan.

For now, though, the focus is survival. Receptive survival. Meaning… I remain open to the guidance and lessons which are held within the darkness… While taking tiny action steps to stay on earth.

I don’t know why I’m like this. And to be honest, I’m tired of trying to figure it out.

So… For now… I’ll push through resistance around this blog… And post my first entry in months.

For you, Chance.

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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

3 thoughts on “Day 249 of 365: cutting ties, and holding on for dear life

  1. sounds like a brilliant plan ful of wisdom and self-love.
    “have you tried essential oils?” made me laugh.

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