I’ve been focusing on feeling emotions in my body rather than focusing all my energy on labeling them in my mind.
And a couple hours ago, I was sitting on the sofa, feeling into my body… And I felt anxious and uncertain and afraid. And I was like, what does this remind me of? And I got the following visual:
And in my mind I thought, I wonder what would happen if I just jumped.
And, like that, a wave of realizations began. Clarity. SO MUCH CLARITY.
What’s great about these realizations is I don’t feel the need to share them with everyone. I don’t feel the need for validation. I don’t feel the need for likes or comments or people to tell me how profound or spot-on or vulnerable my writing is.
Here’s the bottom line.
Bottom line is I’ve been taking my energy and applying it to, like, 30 different things. Creative ideas, business ideas, an actual non-profit organization that I own and have no idea what to do with, etc.
As such, I’m constantly exhausted… And these 30 different ideas barely move forward.
Also… I have not been doing what I want. There is a very specific project and very specific avenue I’ve fantasized about since I was about 15 years old… And yet, I have focused on everything except this.
I guess I thought that somehow my utilizing my other gifts would lead me toward the manifestation of that reality.
I’ve written books, plays, monologues, articles, doodle cards, website copy, training manuals, raps, and even designed coloring books. I’ve won awards for my non-fiction and my fiction writing. I have successfully written every genre of writing… except the one I’m most passionate about.
I’ve been waiting until I was ready, or until I had enough time, or until I had enough money… Or whatever other bullshit.
Here’s the thing. It’s no secret that I’ve wanted to die lately. I mean, I have felt like I’ve been drowning for months now. And now I so clearly see why.
So this 365-day project? It’s over. The hour a day I’ve been putting into this is now going to be put into the project my heart wants to work on. And no, I’m not going to share details. Because I don’t feel the need to. It’s for me. Just me.
And here’s the thing… Even if what I create isn’t hugely successful, I won’t care. Because I’ll be doing what I enjoy.
No wonder I’ve been so fucking drained and suicidal… I’ve been doing a bunch of shit I thought I should do.
I’m not yet sure if I’ll keep this site up. For now I will. The website itself may shift focus; I don’t know.
From here on out, I’m no longer going to market intuitive work or creative work or editing work or coaching or any of it. I’m going to focus on what I’ve wanted to do since I was 15 years old… And trust that the money is going to somehow find me.
If/when painting/intuitive/creative opportunities present themselves to me, I will accept them only:
-After I’ve taken time to think about it and feel it out.
-If the thought of doing it excites me.
-If it doesn’t take away from my primary focus.
So. Thanks for following along on the journey. I realized today that I don’t actually have commitment issues; I have issues with knowing when to say goodbye and let go of something that’s just not right.
So, goodbye Book #2, Doodle Book, Doodle Cards, Coloring Book, Daily Blog Posts, and a hyper-focus on getting articles published. Goodbye Non-Profit Organization. Goodbye inventive ideas for Etsy site.
I hope you beautiful ideas find creative and receptive people who will be thrilled to bring you to life. As for me, my true love awaits… And to it I am committed.
You may not hear from me for a while. Best of luck on your endeavors.