Here’s the thing.
We are all on our own individual messy journey of self-discovery. Some people avoid/numb it, others embrace it and go with the flow, and then there are the folks who are overly dedicated to the point of burn-out and exhaustion.
I BETCHA CAN’T GUESS WHICH ONE I AM.
IT’S THE LAST ONE. I’M THE LAST ONE.
This 365-day journey is definitely something I needed/need to do. Y’know, a daily reminder to surrender and trust and all that.
Except, by forcing myself to write and share my heart and soul every day, it feels like I keep reopening wounds and putting them on display for people to see, like, comment, and share. In doing so, I have drained my energy to an all-time low, have stopped believing in a higher power, and have isolated myself.
I have been sharing for other people. “Look, everyone! I am hurting, too! You’re not alone! You’re not crazy!”
I intend to continue sharing my heart, yet I’m shifting my approach. I need to give myself space to heal. I adore my vulnerability and willingness to share my behind-the-scenes with people, and yet I also am ready to build an emotionally intimate (and safe) relationship with myself. One where I’m not showing all my cards, all the time.
Think of it like if I was in a relationship with another person… And sharing EVERY ASPECT OF OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE WORLD.
Kinda’ hard to be oneself when every fight and victory is being shared publicly.
I am so thankful to two of my closest friends for speaking up to my admittedly stubborn ass. They stood up to me for me. One was like, “Jen. If writing and sharing every day is making you miserable, then stop writing and sharing every day. Do shit you enjoy.” And I was pretty much like “NO THAT’S THE STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD” even though I knew he was onto something. And then my other lovely friend wrote me this morning with a recommendation that gave my heart tingles of confirmation.
“Have you considered writing each day and NOT sharing it online?”
NO, SWEET FRIEND. I HAD NOT CONSIDERED THAT.
It is still a 365-day journey of surrender, even if no one else witnesses it. And so, this is precisely what I plan to do:
Write each day, keeping it to myself. Perhaps the journey will eventually compile into a book to share with others… Perhaps not. This still continues my dedicated journey. I’ll still be discovering shit and wading through the pain and the pleasure and the confusion and realizations in between.
If there’s a specific post that I want to share publicly, I’ll do so.
I still intend to post something every day. I think I’ll simplify it to a daily doodle… Or a few sentences…
Or I won’t limit myself at all.
But the ongoing exposing of my depths is causing me more harm than good.
If you are going through a rough time or have enjoyed hearing what I’ve shared, feel free to reach out to me individually. I’m happy to have one-on-one discussions.
NOW ONTO THE DOODLES.
Over the years, I’ve made notes of awesome shit I’ve heard real-life people say. Some of it is profound, some of it is raunchy, some of it is hilarious, some of it is fucking weird. And, like, I want to share it.
So the tentative plan is to do simple doodles of what real-life people say. Because it’s fun. And interesting. And a reminder that there is a life outside of social media and our phones and computers and televisions.