It’s funny; I was practicing a rap/rhyme I recently finished writing and suddenly had this moment of heightened awareness where I really paid attention to the words I said… And the true meaning behind them.
And I realized… Fuck. I’m not living up to the standards I’ve set.
If we pretend we’re who we’re not
Lack gratitude for what we’ve got
Pull the curtain hide our tears and snot
Dwell on all of the past fights fought.
Then we’re invisible. We’re in disguise.
Holding back truth is the same as lies.
So my only option as I surmise
Is to simply refuse to identify
With my past self’s refusal to cry.
Instead I let the tears and words fly…
Pull the cover to uncover my under cover eyes.
I take a deep breath, I pray, and rise.
So I flow rhymes to these steady beats
To ease my mind; not fight or flee.
I’ll just wait to process in therapy.
But is that true honesty?
To give you a fractioned piece of me?
So what truths am I holding back? I don’t know. I don’t have any big secrets or anything. (Or do I? I don’t know.) Mostly it’s finding deeper/older layers of codependency and of wanting to keep the waters calm.
And yet… What I really desire in relationships of all kind is to have the air regularly cleared. I feel like repression (which leads to resentment) is the death of relationships and of love overall. The type of relationships I want in my life are the ones where it is real-talk all the time.
Like, I want someone to say: “Jen, you’re being unreasonable and sort of controlling.” And I can take a few breaths, feel if that’s true, and respond with, “Yea. You’re right. I think I’m just scared of XYZ.” Or… “Thanks for pointing that out. While I’m sure that’s true on some level, Jim Bob Fred III, I also think you’re being a bit defensive. Maybe this is an overlapping trigger. What do you think?”
Like, I want to hash shit out. If there’s tension, I want it to be addressed. I desire relationships with full transparency. I’d rather someone hurt my feelings with their honesty than hold shit in while I go on thinking everything is fine.
So here’s what’s wild. You know the saying about people who can dish it out, but can’t take it?
I’m the opposite. Any complaints/criticism/concern/compliment you have for me, I will receive the shit out of it. I will thank you for your honesty. I will commend you for your transparency. I will love you for being real with me, even if what you said was hurtful.
But if I have a problem or concern with someone else? It is waaaay more comfortable for me to mold and bend to avoid talking with the other person about it. I’m able to convince myself that I’m the problem or the one overreacting or overthinking, for everything.
And so. Here I am. All day I’ve been having this throat-clearing thing happen… Which is my body’s way of telling me there’s something I’m afraid to say… Or something I’m avoiding saying.
So what is it?
What am I afraid to say?