I shared some stuff in therapy today about how I was first introduced to the spiritually “awakened” community after my spontaneous awakening. I thought that moving into a tribe-like atmosphere with other intuitive empaths who wanted to make the world a better place would mean that there was no egotistical self-serving bullshit.
Which now makes me do this:
Humans are humans; what they do for a living and what they claim to stand for doesn’t mean shit.
An energy worker can be unaware and hurtful (under the cleverly marketed guise of being the opposite), while an insurance salesman can be a high vibe, heart-centered human.
My linear thinking looks at this and is like…
*robot arms* DOES. NOT. COMPUTE.
Labels and job titles and the way we look = irrelevant, apparently.
Cool. Let me flush decades of mental programming down the toilet.
I feel like that’s what most of my work is right now. Rather than, What can I learn? It’s, WHAT CAN I UNLEARN?
Here are the current issues I’m unlearning:
- I have to be a “certain way” to be a cool chick. Being said cool chick will prevent me from seeming boring/annoying to guys and therefore prevents me from being hurt.
- It is unsafe to use my gifts. Using my gifts will hurt myself or others, and I’ll end up alone.
- The only way to achieve a true intimate connection is through physical intimacy, because there’s no one out there who can match me emotionally/intellectually/spiritually.
Yea. These beliefs are pretty limiting, and I’ve been operating under their reign for a long time. The goal is to change them to:
- My only responsibility is to be my authentic self. This does not protect me from rejection or being hurt, but this approach does increase the likelihood of attracting folks who think I’m “cool” just as I am.
- Utilizing my gifts brings my life to life, and therefore is the kindest and most loving thing I can do for [myself and] others.
- Intimacy is a multi-faceted word. The connections I desire do exist; by refusing to settle, I am far more likely to attract these connections.
Each of these have many layers. And all three of them boil down to pushing through fear, being courageous, and being fuckin’ VULNERABLE.
Being my authentic self and sharing true beliefs and feelings (even when they don’t match another person’s) is vulnerable.
Doing artistic and intuitive work is vulnerable.
Saying, “I DON’T JUST WANT TO HAVE THE SEX. I want a deep intellectual/emotional/spiritual connection.” makes me want to puke; that’s how much it scares me. And so… Again… Vulnerability. (Although I guess this one ties into #1.)
For a while, I’ve been addressing and rewriting past events and traumas. And, while my intentions have been great (and while I’ve done some excellent work), all this does is keep me in the past.
The most healing and loving thing I can do for myself is to be honest and authentic right now in this very moment. That is the quickest way to gain my power back. By making choices that align with my heart, I vibrate at a higher frequency, more attractive to the Universe.
I’ve given my power away countless times. Trying to sort through each of them and trying to pinpoint where triggers originated and trying to retrain each individual experience is…
Boring and exhausting and not the way to live life.
And so, yea. I’m done waiting for apologies from people who’ve been fuckheads to me in the past. Maybe it’s better this way. There are billions of people in the world. Even if 90% of them are asshats, that still leaves me with 744 million people who are < asshat.
I’ve made my amends, and will continue to do so. And, rather than having attached expectations or hopes that others will do the same (as if that’s going to suddenly return the power I gave to them)… I’m instead going to trust that it’s better for these folks to be out of my life.
That’s where the journey of relinquishing control is taking me today.