Sometimes, when I meet new people, I look at their teeth and their eyes. I wonder what their smile is hiding, I wonder the last time they cried, and I wonder what would happen if I wrapped them in a warm, open-hearted hug. I wonder about their insecurities and the narrative currently running through their minds. I wonder what they ate for breakfast, and if they were running late.
Sometimes, when I meet new people, I feel a connection. I wonder what it would be like to see them naked or marry them. I wonder what it would be like to kiss them and be kissed by them. I wonder what kind of father or mother they would be. I wonder if maybe they are the singular person on this earth who could tame me.
Sometimes, when I meet new people, I wonder if they too think of me naked and if they too want to know what it’s like to kiss me. I wonder if it’s something they’re consciously aware of or if it’s just a subtle curiosity. I wonder what would happen if we did kiss, right in that very moment, and then went about our days without exchanging information. Zero attachment; just a physical expression of affection between two forms.
I wonder if I come across too strong. Too masculine. Too forward. I wonder if I intimidate people. I wonder how my presence feels to them. I wonder what I can do to be more comfortable and comforting, and if I say “like” or “um” or “y’know” too much. I wonder if they can feel me like I can feel them.
Sometimes, when I meet new people, I can clearly feel their inner world, their pain and their struggle and their hope. I wonder what would happen if I gently kissed their forehead and whispered to them that they weren’t alone. I think of how beautiful it would be to hold them during a time of vulnerability.
I wonder what makes them laugh, what makes them tick, and what makes them cry. I crave to experience a belly laugh from their core, to surprise them with their favorite home-cooked meal, and to sit together in silence.
Sometimes, when I meet new people, I realize that there is just as much of a chance of me never seeing them again as there is for our paths to again cross. I wonder if they too are consciously aware of this. I wonder what would happen if I said, “We may never see each other again; is there anything you really want to say?”
All of this, within a 60 second introduction, tucked underneath a scripted exchange of “Hi, How are you?” and “Fine, thanks”.
Sometimes, when I meet new people, I walk away filled with unfed curiosity, knowing I missed out on an opportunity to truly know a person.
I wonder if I’ll be more honest next time.
I wonder what would happen if we really did treat every interaction as though it was our last.
I wonder what kind of world that would be.
One thought on “Day 107 of 365: Sometimes I wonder…”
Ya know I’ve always had those thoughts, but after reading the way you expressed the stream of consciousness with that awareness, it may have just been a subtle curiosity that’s continuously been unfed. Love the way you word things (err, ideas and daily habits n what not. I hate the word things). I recently have given that more (not yo the extent that you describe or that my mind wonders) action. As far as actually asking people what goes on w them and random questions like ‘but if you could do anything w.o cost or worry of time, what would it be’ and have gotten a few answers. Some of my coworkers orob jusy think I’m ‘weird’ or always wondering bout stuff. But, if ya never ask, I know for me I just go down rabbit holes.
Thanks for putting this thought into words.