Day 91 of 365: I had a good conversation with my knee today.

Our bodies are constantly talking to us. Injuries, headaches, mental and emotional discomfort, that annoying lower back pain that won’t go away… They’re all messages. Maybe we’re carrying too much emotional baggage and our back pain is trying to inform us to let that shit go. Maybe we are absorbing rather than releasing anger and the constriction in our head (that feels like it’s about to explode) is helping us to harness that.

Every. Ailment. Stands. To. Be. A. Message.

(Now… Some shit works itself out on its own. Yknow. There’s no need to analyze every hiccup. I’ve found questioning/listening to my ailments to be most helpful when it’s a chronic issue or when it’s something that has very randomly popped up.)

Unfortunately, we live in a society that is comfortable with immediate gratification and numbing/masking the pain so as to get along with our fast-paced lives.

Folks, the pain will continue to return. The illness will come back if the emotional (or spiritual or beyond) component has not been processed.

Anyway. THIS IS ALL KNOWLEDGE I’VE HAD FOR YEARS. It’s also information I’ve been conveniently forgetting. :^)

After pain recently flared up in my right knee (and a few other places), followed by me hitting my right knee on the corner of furniture TWO TIMES in a few hour period of time this morning, I was like “OKAY FINE. I WILL NOW CONVENIENTLY REMEMBER THAT INJURIES AND AILMENTS ARE MESSAGES AND WILL ASK MY BODY WTF IS UP.”

And so I did.

And here is what my higher self had to say about the situation, and then what my knee had to say.

My knee is feisty, and cusses a lot. I like that.

Regarding my knee (and my continuing to hit it/injure it/inflame it)…. I want to know what my knee is trying to tell me.

If you did know, what would the message be?

That I am taking myself too seriously and being too rigid. I can’t let myself be too flexible, as there’s always a certain rigid stance.

Yes. Think of the discomfort of standing with your knees locked versus bent and fluid. Your tendency is to be locked and rigid, and this puts tremendous pressure on the knees.

If I did know, what would the message be?

It would be that I need to relax, take it easy, have some fun, and be less serious. When things start to affect me in a very serious+intense+overdramatic way, all I need to do is take some big sweeping breaths with my legs bent, and shake my legs out. I hold the anger and frustration in my knees and get to a place of MOVING LESS. (This is true; I’ve barely exercised the last two weeks). – This is because the anger hardens into cement. Movement is KEY.

But I dealt with pain when I was exercising, and I don’t want to injure myself!

This is where the beauty of the mind and logic and knowledge come into play. This is when to utilize the tool of your mind and the power of discernment. Look at the activities you’re doing: are you pushing yourself too hard? Are you acting in an unhealthy or imbalanced way?

Usually, no. I’ve been walking with an occasional jog… And when I do jog, even though I have the energy and lung capacity, my shin and/or ankle and/or knee start to speak up. Why does this happen?

There’s an effort to stay grounded and not run. This, of course, is in reference to your tendency to emotionally run. Or to physically run/hide from situations (and, more specifically, from people). Once you get to a place where you’ve fully released the tendency to emotionally hide, and once you allow the fluidity of emotional energy to flow through you (and process and release through/out of you), you will be able to physically jog and run, free of issues.

So, there’s no injury?

Doctors will always find something. A title or diagnoses. Inflammation, tendinitis, and so on. These are the symptoms. Even a broken limb is a symptom. It is due to a deeper issue asking (demanding) to be recognized.

So… Today I’ve hit my knee on the corner of a piece of furniture TWICE. This brings to mind masculinity, because sharp corners are the yang of feng shui. Why is this happening?

The more intense and the sharper the pain, the more your body is asking for your attention.

What do I need to do?

Talk directly to your knee, to your shin, to your chest, to your neck, to your back, to your wrists, to your ankle. Every part of your body holds beautifully intuitive messages and guidance.

Who am I talking to now?

In your terms, you’d refer to me as “higher self.”

Thank you for your assistance. Is there anything else I need to know?

Mmm. There’s plenty, of course. The main focus now is feeling rather than knowing.

So, heart/body rather than mind?


Thank you for your guidance.

Any time. I’m always here, always available, always talking/sharing/uploading. Tune in as often as you’d like.


Hello, Right Knee. I am sorry you’re in pain and inflamed. I apologize for not listening to you.

AHHHHHH STOP APOLOGIZING. Stop being so SMALL and TIMID. Stop trying to bend and mold to fit everyone’s fucking desires. Stop being mousey. You’re not a mouse, you’re a fucking LIONESS. And yet you hold yourself back and you hold in your anger and you hold in your desire in some effort to… What? To fit what standards? Whose standards?

I don’t know.

Sure you do. – And hell, if you don’t. That’s even worse, isn’t it? To be trying so hard to be a certain way AND NOT EVEN KNOWING WHY. Challenge yourself. Who are you trying to be a certain way for, and what is the certain way you’re trying to be?

I’m trying to be my idea of a perfect girlfriend person thing (?) for (Dude), while also being a perfect spiritual person, while also being a perfect friend, while also being a perfect therapy-client, while also being a perfect blog-writer.

Jesus, I’m exhausted listening to this. Aren’t you? All of the perfection you require of yourself is IMPOSSIBLE. No matter what, you’ll piss people off. AND GUESS WHAT. I WANT YOU TO BE PISSED OFF. The anger you feel due to the pain and limited mobility I’m causing you? IS THERE FOR A REASON. It’s exactly how I want you to feel. I want you to let the anger out. I want you to express yourself. To stand up for yourself. To allow your inner lioness out to play. To fight. To wrestle. To give less shits about what other people think of you, or if you hurt their feelings. YES YOU ARE GOING TO HURT FEELINGS. Yes you are going to piss people off. Yes you are going to make people uncomfortable. That’s what this is all about. Comfort zones don’t yield growth. So what’s with you trying to keep everyone else comfortable? Are you the only one who gets to grow?

No. I want other people to grow, too.

Then be yourself, and allow others to squirm or question their own shit. Stop trying to spoon feed everyone. Stop trying to write in a way that everyone can understand. If you dumb yourself down or constantly adjust your language so that others understand, they’ll never be challenged to grow and learn new words/concepts/levels of awareness.

Okay, so to be sure I have this correct… The pain I feel in you (my Right Knee) is due to needing to take myself less seriously, be less rigid with myself, stop molding to what other people want me to do/ve—

Imagine how much your knees and joints would hurt if you stayed in a crouched position, attempting to fit into a box slightly too small for you. OUCH, RIGHT? That’s what’s happening. You’re trying to stay small, and it is physically hurting you and emotionally hurting you and spiritually holding you back.

Okay. So I need to be less apologetic, less rigid, more fluid, allow myself to be messier, be okay pissing people off, and stop playing small.


Yea, THAT seems easy.

It is. It takes an immense amount of energy to live the way you live. You think other people are draining you when you’re in public. Oftentimes, you’re draining yourself in an effort to appease/mold to those around you. Think of what it would feel like if you were uninhibitedly yourself, all the time. It takes a lot of energy to dim your light. Stop that shit. Let it shine. Let it blind people. Let it wow people. Stop with the downplaying of what you do, what you’ve done, where you’ve been, and what you’ve learned. Stop acting like you don’t know what you’re talking about. Speak with confidence and know that, if there is something that’s incorrect or needs to be adjusted, it will come up in the moment or shortly thereafter. You can’t constantly plan to avoid every possible mistake. It will never work. All it will do is make you miserable. All it will do is drain you. All it will do is busy your mind and energy. Like giving a genius busy work rather than allowing them to really shine.

Can you please (and will you please) give me a concrete task (or tasks) to do to move toward this? It is my comfort zone (or my trained zone) to stay small. I am listening to you, and I will continue to do so. Will you please help by offering steps?

  1. Have fun. I’m serious. Do something silly and fun that makes no logical sense at all.
  2. Post stuff that scares you. Post this conversation, and stuff like it. Shit you’d call “woowoo” or “hippy dippy” (stop calling it that, by the way). Post it. Share it. It’s changed your life; why are you holding back from sharing it with others?
  3. Submit articles to online journals. Using your full bright light. Write articles that scare you to write. (Not in a constricting way, but in a way where you feel raw, exposed, and empowered. Remember: lioness.)
  4. Write the monologue you’ve been avoiding.
  5. Write the movie YOU want to write; not the one you think is easier or best.
  6. Write your poetry and do it in public. Do spoken word poetry / raps. It’s something you love to do. Do it.
  7. Standup comedy.
  8. Karaoke.

Okay… All of this seems to be me putting myself IN FRONT OF other people.


Okay… Why?

Isn’t that what you want?

Well, yea.


Okay. Go on.

  1. Wear something sexy that you normally wouldn’t wear. Do yourself up in an outfit/style that you’d normally pine after another for.
  2. Allow yourself to kiss a woman. To passionately, uninhibitedly kiss a woman. Your sexuality and your curiosities are not going to disappear. They will continue asking for your attention.
  3. Let yourself have fun in the bedroom. Be ridiculous. Take yourself less seriously.

But I get afraid and start to feel silly.

You get afraid of what? OF WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS OF YOU. STOP. STOPPIT. It doesn’t fucking matter. He’s a human. You’re a human. He poops. You poop. He says and thinks weird shit, and so do you. Stop idealizing people just because you’re seeing their highlight reel. Also, who are you to know what other people will think is weird? Who are you to know what other people like and don’t like? Even if you go based off of what you’ve seen (because yes, you’re a very observant and analytical human), that’s still JUST THE SURFACE. Imagine a world where you are fully yourself and attract others who are attracted to that!

Okay. This is all most helpful. I feel like there’s so much more for me to hear.

Of course there is. You’ve been ignoring your body for a long time. We (your body parts; every cell within you) are excited (read: fucking amped) that you’re ready to listen. Cheers.


^^^ Hey. So. My knee is awesome. Looking forward to seeing what the rest of my body is trying to say. 😀

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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

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