Day 90! of 365: when old patterns fight good things (“upper limiting”)

It’s easy to forget how far I’ve come. Especially with perfectionistic tendencies and being a HIGH SCORE A+ ACHIEVER person, I can easily mark “NEEDS IMPROVEMENT” on something every day.

Also, I am hyper aware of the person I want to become… So much so that I lose track of the beauty of who I am now.

I am grateful for my awareness, for being able to recognize when I’ve acted in an unkind or unhealthy way, and for having the humility (and willingness) to make amends right then and there, in the moment.

I think I could stand to make some amends with myself, though.

I could also stand to give myself a break. Because human.

“SORRY YOU HAVE TO BE A MERE MORTAL WITH US HUMANS,” one of my dearest friends said to me tonight, laughing.

The last few months have been rough for me. The reason? Because things have been going so well for me. It’s triggered some deep stuff within me, activating subconscious beliefs and outdated programs about the “upper limit” of how much goodness could possibly exist in my life.


And this is where sabotage comes into play. Our old programs are activated, flooding our being with obsolete and often ridiculous (yet still very believable) beliefs and assumptions.

The last week, I have been in pure panic mode (And I mean, my body has been. Not just my mind. I have physically felt like I’m about to get hit by a car, all day, every day.)… Why?

Because I had to go buy smaller jeans due to losing fat and getting healthier.

And I was able to do so due to a commission check for feng shui paintings.

And I have the support of close friends and a rad dude I’m dating.


And I did celebrate.

Which then triggered that green goober from the comic.

Which means that, while everything looked (and was) fine and great in my life, I was feeling miserable, triggered, freaked out, and ready to fight or flight.

Thankfully, I didn’t fight. Or flight. Or isolate. I shared.

I shared with those closest to me.

And they accepted me.

And held space for me.

And helped me survive the few rough days of alarms going off in my head.

I am SO GRATEFUL I didn’t react. I’ve come a long way in that regard.

When talking with a friend tonight, and he asked why I dealt with such discomfort and self-doubt. After some discussion and explanation of how I initially learned to view life, he was like: “It’s a miracle you’ve turned the corner.”

It I realized, Yea. It is.

Four years ago, a bad day was handled with liquor and pills and lying and hiding from everyone and doing something extreme like ending a relationship or quitting a job.

Two years ago, a bad day was me hitting my head against a wall and driving 110mph through red lights and hiding from everyone and doing something extreme like cutting my hair.

Now, a bad day is me stumbling through attempts at sharing emotion while flexing my jaw in an attempt to not cry “too hard” or “too loud” and doing something extreme like eating 6 tiny squares of organic dark chocolate.




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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

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