When I saw that today was the 67th day, I was like, “Oh my! I’ve come so far! This is going by so fast!”
And then I did math stuffs and discovered that I’m less than 19% complete with this daily embracing the unknown + writing about it gig. Still quite a bit to go.
Not even 1/5 of the way through and I feel like I’m a completely different person than when I started. Or, more accurately, I feel more like myself. I feel more embodied, more truthful, more open and vulnerable.
If you read this blog over the last few weeks, you’ve seen evidence of a pretty gnarly depressive episode. That’s what I called it, anyway. Sometimes labeling something acts as a comma or period so the real meat of the story can come forth.
What was interesting about this experience was that I was feeling the emotional and physical pain, hearing and seeing dark and twisted thoughts, and I refused to react to any of them. I was the silent observer, watching as the thoughts and feelings would rise and subside (of their own accord; my attempts to change the way I felt were exhausting and unhelpful at best).
I continued socializing, going to work, and exercising. I slowed down on all three, but I continued moving forward.
It was far from easy.
Rather than run from people close to me, I opened up to them. Rather than cancel all plans and hide under my comforter and pretend it’s a spaceship, I showed up however I was.
I’m realizing now that these last few weeks weren’t just part of some episode to escape. This is a full integration of my darkness into my light and vice versa. They’re merging together and bringing forth a deep resonance of balance and embodiment.
So… I can still feel the sadness, the tenderness about the way the world is today, and the anger and anxieties. They’re less intense than I felt them, say, a week ago. And here’s the rad thing.
My past experience was to feel zero ouchy feelings for weeks or months, and then feel ALL THE FEELINGS in a week or two period of deep depression and suicidality. To be going about my life at a healthy pace again now, while also remaining in touch with my authentic feelings? A dream come true.
Seriously, I’ve spent years doing positive affirmations on showing up with my authentic feelings. About feeling and expressing them in the moment. About opening up to and having vulnerable + honest relationships with people.
And it’s all coming true.
All of these big big dreams I’ve been working toward are starting to come true. The positive affirmations and mirror talk and the like are paying off.
Tonight I had two of my closest friends perform a healing ritual on/with me. It was deep and painful and deeply healing. They summoned and cut away old energetic scar tissue. I could physically feel the entire experience, and afterward I felt taller. I felt like I was no longer burdened, like my range of motion was no longer hindered by past injuries.
I felt… Free.
Obviously there’s still integration to take place. I’ll be excited to see how I feel in 24-48 hours, and even in a week. (Plus, I have a ten-day silent meditation retreat coming up on September 6th-17th, so! More exciting healing and release work! SQUEE.~!)
There’s a lot to be grateful and excited for. Many exciting things are happening.What I feel most thankful about is the growing depth of my relationships. I have some amazing people in my life. And I’m allowing myself to love them and be loved by them.
And not just the logical understanding of love. I mean the true deeply known sensations of love. The stuff that stems from within and permeates through every cell. THAT kind of love.
I allow more of it each and every day.
(I had zero idea that learning about chance would help me access this.)
I am blessed, and I am worthy.
And I am tired. And hungry. 🙂