Day 65 of 365: off with her head!

I  woke up this morning after about 3 hours of sleep feeling a fire within me. It’s a fire I haven’t felt in a few weeks. (It’s a little spark more than a fire. I don’t want to breathe too hard and blow it out.)

In the past, I’d say, “THE DEPRESSIVE EPISODE IS LEAVING! HOORAY!” However, that’s applying a form of separation.

I’m learning to divorce myself from that. Rather than, “I’m sad today and was happy yesterday,” it’s “I’m me.” I was me yesterday and I’m me today. I am a combination of all the me’s I’ve ever been.

Rather than trying to keep track of the specifics of ups and downs, and rather than trying to apply linear reasoning to the “why’s” behind it all, I’m shifting into a mindset of… Fuck it.

Fuck the analyses and trying to figure shit out. Fuck trying to “fix” this aspect of myself. Fuck labels and diagnoses and the plethora of websites that apply both to any handful of symptoms.

My darkness deserves just as much love as my light.

(I know I’ve come to similar realizations before, and I imagine this isn’t my last time here. Each time I have this epiphany, I am confident that it integrates further into my being.)

I had a few helpful talks last night. Unexpectedly. They weren’t what I thought I wanted or needed, and yet all four of them permeated on some level that has helped me feel this spark of fervor today.

I had a conversation with God. Or with my Inner Wisdom. Or whatever we want to call it. I was driving, and crying, and said: “Why did you make me like this?” (Referring to suicidality and the dark cloud I’ve been under… Because damn.)

To help others, the voice said.
How? I asked.
You are a part of the collective consciousness. You are feeling pain that is more than your personal pain; you are feeling growing amounts of pain for those who cannot.
To help raise the vibration of the earth. To help others stay on earth. By not reacting to the suicidal thoughts that arise within you, you are helping others do the same. It may not be in the linear way you desire, but rest assured that it is happening. You are helping. Each day you react differently, you are helping.
Isn’t this some illusion of grandeur? “I AM HELPING ALL SUICIDAL PEOPLE.” Seems overkill.
It applies to you the same way it applies to any light-bringer. You are here to transmute pain. Lifetimes have given you the depth and capacity to do so. The healthier you get, the deeper pain you’ll feel.
So me feeling this is indicative of growth and not of a backwards step?
Exactly. Once you transmute this “batch” of pain, you will be back to the ways you consider normal and ideal. As your vibration continues to raise, and as your higher self and guides decide you are ready, you will process more pain. As you discover your own patterns and work to retrain them, you are helping the momentum of the collective consciousness. You are doing the deep-rooted work that many (most) avoid. And for that, you are blessed.
I’m blessed to feel intense pain?
Yes. The purpose of this journey is to feel, and to help others. You are doing both at a deep, precious level.

~After that conversation, I felt oddly at peace. I felt fucking tired and like “WHY DID I SIGN UP FOR THIS RIDE”, but certainly a little more peaceful. Even if it’s a voice my psyche is making up to help me feel better or to help me cope, I appreciate it. Whatever it takes to keep me on earth.

(I do not believe it’s some voice I created, to be clear. I include little snippets like that to give skeptics something to hold onto. I’d like to shift away from that too, though. These passive explanations and plugs in an effort to have as many people as possible to like me and as few people to think I’m crazy.)

GOAL: give less fucks.

This is not at all where I thought this 365-day journey would take me. And there’s more than just this going on, y’know. I’ve been losing weight, I’ve had some amazing writing and painting opportunities arise, and I’ve been gifted with a very special friendship that is healing my heart at a depth I’ve never experienced.

My journey of learning about chance is bringing far more than pain; it is bringing true transformation.

(Also, what if suicidal ideations are because a certain part of me does need to die? What if it’s a molting process? Shedding old skin, shedding old personalities? Old patterns and beliefs?)

I like that.

In that case…

off with head.gif


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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

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