I am so far out of my comfort zone in so many aspects of my life that I am not even sure who I am anymore.
And I think maybe that’s a good thing. I am redefining myself.
The hardest thing about growth is the people who don’t understand it. Those who are close to me who still are stuck in the web of limiting beliefs I’ve freed myself from.
It’s like there are different levels of the Matrix.
There’s no way to explain to folks who are stuck in a program that they are in a program. And I’m okay with that. I know we each have our own journey. I know there are aspects of life that I’m still stuck in and blinded by.
But I’ll tell ya’… I sure do look forward to finding a tribe who speaks my language.
I feel this need to shift and mold around nearly everyone. I’m learning to let go of that. I’ve been practicing lately… Letting people in. Sharing more of myself, even with people I don’t think will understand.
And many of them say that: “I don’t understand this at all, but I love you and am here for you.”
And that’s been helpful. Very helpful. Being heard and accepted has been helpful.
I also feel alone in a lot of ways. I legitimately feel as though I speak a different language than people. I’m able to mold and shift and activate my social chameleon powers to fit in with anyone… And that’s an exhausting way to live.
So now the focus is shedding that shit, sharing who I am, and giving less fucks about the responses from people.
Things I’ve heard in the last 24 hours:
You create your own depression. You’re doing this to yourself.
Something is missing from your diet; that’s why you’re sad.
You’ve got to just quit being so fucking sad. That’s your problem.
You can’t make a living with your art. You’re going to hit wall after wall.
Some of your writing is way out there.
Your problem is…
What you really need is…
And where is the balance? Where is the balance of not being defensive while also not being a pushover? When is it okay to stand up for myself? When is it okay to say, “Shut up. You have no idea what you’re talking about. I love you, but shut up.”???
The hardest part about depression isn’t feeling the pain. I’ve been dealing with that since I was a kid. Now that I’m sharing with others, the hardest part has become seeing how much it hurts the people closest to me. How troubled they become that they can’t help or fix me (even though I ask for neither).
For years I didn’t share my darkness with others because I didn’t want to be a burden. Now that I’m sharing my darkness with others, I’m starting to feel like a burden. Or at least, the depressed aspect of me feels that way.
Perhaps there’s a balance here, too. Perhaps it’s learning who I share with and who I don’t share with.
But that brings up this blog and my book and the articles and monologues I write. I am an open book.
This helps a lot of people, and for that I am grateful and honored.
It also gives some people access who I’d rather not be reading my heart and mind.
It’s all part of this path, I guess. For every 10 people that are positively impacted, there may be one that thinks I’m coocoo. Gotta’ learn to be okay with that.
One step at a time and all that jazz.