Over the last few weeks, I’ve been allowing myself to be internal. I’ve been objectively viewing thoughts and feelings and patterned reactions, without fully engaging with them. Doing my best to not get hijacked by them. And, if hijack did happen (meaning if I found myself riding the neural pathways of an old patterned way of reacting), I’d cease judgment and I’d share with those close to me. “I’m currently experiencing an old program and the feelings and thoughts associated with it. Here is what I’m thinking and feeling. I know this likely isn’t accurate, but I do want to hold space for this part of myself that has this fear…” sort of thing.
So… I’ve been watching myself. Observing. Less like a test subject and more like watching a child as she learns the ropes of a new school or a new group of friends or a new hobby.
Prior to today, I didn’t read anything about the solar eclipse or about the new moon. I’ve been too exhausted to do the research, and I honestly haven’t felt interested in it. Overall, I have lessened the amount of research I do, because I’d rather authentically experience what’s happening than to go into a situation with preconceived notions based on what an article says.
Finally, earlier this morning, I read a bit about what’s been going on re: astrology. And everything I read 100% matches what I’ve been experiencing. (And not just in a… I am going to apply meaning to this article and make it match my experience sort of way. I mean… A lot of the stuff is word-for-word what I’ve written and journaled and shared lately.)
I have, over the last few weeks, begun truly embracing my shadow. Fully. Completely. And old patterns (LIKE… DEEP-ROOTED stuffs) have come up to be healed and released.
I did a book signing this past Saturday on my book “imperfect: the spontaneous spiritual awakening of a suicidal addict“, which discusses depression and suicidality. The audience (which was small—11 people) was filled with healers and other authors. During the question/answer portion, some people [lovingly, I presume] shifted into fix-it mode and started saying stuff like…
“Do you meditate? If so, you should meditate deeper. I have healed people with depression.”
“You need to release your duality and learn to embrace your harmonious nature.”
“Try colonic hydrotherapy.”
I listened with an open heart to all of these. And finally, I smiled and took control of the conversation.
“I find it interesting,” I gently began, “that I’m up here to share my story… About how I utilized the energy of depression to write a book and how I’m learning to coexist with this aspect of self, and you have gone into fix-it mode. And that’s what we tend to do, right? We tend to say, OH NO. YOU ARE HURTING. HERE IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO TO MAKE IT STOP. – I appreciate your recommendations. However, I am not interested in shedding my duality. My journey is to EMBRACE my duality. I don’t want to rid myself of depression, I want to love my depression and learn from it.”
(God/the Universe/my higher self made me this way for a reason, and I don’t think it was to just get rid of it and live a life free of pain. The deep pain I feel helps me create beautiful art, and it also helps me connect with others who feel this deeply.)
I went on from there, speaking in a loving and accepting tone… While also standing up for my darkness. I told them that for years I tried to “fix” my depression, as if it was some growth on me that I wanted surgically removed. But that was just another form of self-hate. Hate will not drive out hate; only love can do that.
I had never before stood up for my shadow side with such love. And it wasn’t in a defensive way, either. It was in a calm and loving and balanced way. It was an amazing experience.
I believe I’ve found my niche. Officially.
I realized that not everyone experiences life the way I do. Statistically speaking, only 2-5% experience clinical depression. (I don’t know if that number is true, because statistics aren’t wholly accurate, but we’ll go with it for now.) I am here to be the voice of those 2-5% of people. I am here to help bridge the communication gap between us and those on the outside looking in, who desperately want to help (but who often exacerbate the situation by their attempts to fix).
So. This “depressive episode” (if we call it that) has been about embracing my shadow, and about reacting differently when suicidality and deep depression and anxiety arise. And in doing so, in allowing this stillness and in accepting myself (and doing EFT and meditations and deep breathing and journaling and using essential oils to survive each day), I feel a deep expansion of my heart, as if my soul is further embodying this human body.
This depressive episode has spanned the course of a few weeks. I’ve had a few up days, assumed I was “better,” and then quickly fell back into the depression again.
So, I’m done fighting. This is not to say that I’m, like, heading out. Or anything. I mean I’m done fighting this aspect of myself or trying to change it. These times of darkness (or dark nights of the soul, as I often refer to them) yield amazing transformation. Rather than, “OH NO I AM SAD HOW DO I FIX” — which is the aversion that Vipassana meditation and Buddhism teach to detach ourselves from. Craving and aversion are what yield our suffering.
Craving = I LIKE THIS I MUST HAVE MORE I HOPE I NEVER LOSE IT.
Aversion = I HATE THIS MAKE IT STOP IT IS SO PAINFUL.
Both of these cause constriction. Both of these cause suffering. Both cause unnecessary pain.
I’m choosing to let the fuck go, mostly because I’ve burnt myself out on all other options.
Maybe this lifetime isn’t about “healing my depression,” and is instead about healing the way I view emotions and my relationship to them. Maybe it’s about embracing 100% of who I am right at this very moment, no matter how I feel.
Going to read and snuggle my pup and diffuse lavender essential oils.