Day 61 of 365: Reacting differently retrains old patterns.

This new advertisement thing happening via Facebook is overwhelming for me. Each time I log on (which isn’t frequently and is rarely for scrolling; I normally just log on to chat with a few people close to me) I’ll see some advertisement for writing a book or a blog or being a speaker. All things I do and am interested in doing professionally.

And each ad is convincing.

And each time I turn one down, I feel this sense of OH NO THAT HAD THE INFORMATION I NEEDED TO READ.

I watched a 25 minute video today on how to grow a steady blog following and how to monetize my blog. And the ideas are great.

And I then went into shutdown mode for about 3 hours afterward.

The same thing happened when I joined a creative business school. There were 6 modules in total. I jumped in full force and was going right along with the pace of the class. And then, 2 modules in, I was laid up sick in bed for a full week or two.

And getting sick is truly rare for me. Especially something lasting that long.

This last month has been filled with some amazing things happening to and for me. The last few years of hard work are really starting to pay off.

And the reaction has been as follows:
Mental- “This is exciting and makes logical sense. I have worked hard to get here and will continue working hard. I deserve this.”
Emotional- (Panic + Fear)
Physical- Pain. Radiating pain.

I’m learning that there is a connection here. When I’m moving forward and expanding into who I’m meant to be, my body has been going into freak-out mode.

I’m an air sign (Libra), so my logic and intellect have carried me through most of my life. It’s interesting, though, that I’ve spent the last year getting in touch with my body and learning to listen to its responses rather than always going off what my mind says. And yet now, I’m having to utilize the power of my mind and knowledge to continue moving forward. (This is exciting for me, because for a while I spoke negatively about my mind… As if it was the root of all my problems. Not true.)

Our patterns run deep. And, with the solar eclipse + lunar eclipse + new moon + mercury in retrograde + a billion other star things happening, OLD PATTERNS ARE COMING UP LIKE WHOA… to ideally be released.

And the key to this, I’ve found, is to do something different. To respond differently. When situations come up and I recognize my old, self-sabotaging tendencies… I employ my beautiful brain to analyze how I’ve responded in the past, and then consciously choose to respond in a different way.

This. Is. Uncomfortable.

Living in the unknown is uncomfortable.

The whole right side of my body has been in radiating pain over the last 24 hours. As a result, I wanted to sleep and hide from the world all day. Instead, I went for a [very slow+relaxed] 3.5 mile walk. I sat by the lake. I meditated for an hour rather than 20 minutes. I put essential oils on my feet and did a salt scrub in the shower.

I felt panicked about the book signing event yesterday, and I still went. I wore a bright red dress, too, because I was like “I’M GONNA’ MAKE A STATEMENT.” And I did, I think. I talked about crop dusting (successfully farting in public) and said enough cuss words that my mom will likely gasp and say “Jennifer Ann!” after seeing the video of my presentation.

I’ve been surprised recently by a blossoming of a relationship thingy (Relationship thingy, Jen? Really?) (I am clearly an adult.) and the comfort zone when dating is to be closed off… To present myself as some ideal, put-together person… To hide my mess. And so I’ve been doing the opposite of that. And the result continues to amaze me.

I know it feels safer to stay small. The Big Snooze (per Jen Sincero’s book, You Are A Badass–it’s an extension of the ego, if I remember correctly) is strong and can wreak havoc whenever change and growth is in the air.

This can be REAL CONFUSING. In the past, I’d be on a path of growth and/or pursuing something I’m passionate about, and bad stuff would begin happening. I’d take it as a sign that I needed to dial it back and find a new route.

I’ve since discovered that, no matter which approach I took, I’d run into the same experience. Physical illness. Physical pain. Depression. Suicidality. Wanting to isolate and push everyone away. Wanting to ignore all business calls and appointments. Wanting to eat all of the almond butters and potato chips.

Becoming aware of our programmed self-sabotage tendencies is one of the most powerful things we can do.

And so, this go around of amazing things happening to me? I’ve handled it differently. Rather than running from love, I’ve been walking toward it. Rather than hiding from growth and success, I’ve been embracing it. Rather than isolating, I’ve been spending time with people close to me, even when I’ve felt like a bag of asses. When my patterns whisper mean things to me about my weight, I lovingly eat a few squares of dark chocolate.

Each time I push through a bout of sabotage, I experience relief. And then it’s like the program gathers backup and comes back harder and stronger. Big Snooze is pulling out ALL KINDS OF SABOTAGING APPROACHES that have worked in the past.

And I’m prevailing against every single one of them.

As a result, I am in severe physical and emotional pain, I feel constantly panicked, and I’m crying at least once a day. But… My handy brain is here to keep me present and aware and conscious of the fact that, by continuing to take affirmative action toward my goals, I am going in the right direction.

The fear and panic I’m experiencing is a good thing. (Which is a weird sentence. I appreciate Fear and I know it has been helpful to me in the past.) I’ve learned my tendencies, I’ve learned how to recognize when there’s sabotage in the air, and I’m now practicing how to be different. How to allow growth.

The growing process can be a painful one. It legitimately feels like I’m pressing up against an outer shell that’s too small. A natural response to the pain would be to stop pushing and to stay in the safe comfort zone of the shell. Instead, I’m pushing harder. I’m consistently expanding and evolving and the shell is cracking. It’s only a matter of hours or days before it breaks off completely, exposing the raw, bare skin underneath.

I’m excited. I really am. I mean, I’m also exhausted. Cuz’ like, thafuck. But… I’m grateful to myself for putting this effort in, because it’s making it easier for future Jen.

Off to finish a writing project I put off all…. Week.


Some new beliefs I’ve been tapping (EFT) in: I embrace miracles. Being successful is safe and good. Being loved is safe and good. I do what I love and am massively compensated.


What are your sabotaging tendencies? I’d love to hear from you.


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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

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