Okay. Two things.
(Is it ever really two things, Jen?)
No. But. It’s a diving off point, Parentheses. Give me a break.
1.) These last four days have been a shit-show of anger and meltdown and trigger-happy freak-outs and depression and the, like, third time I’ve cried in therapy. And stress-eating, which used to be a regular occurrence for me… But once I dealt with the root cause for binge-eating and other addictive behavior, the stress-eating ceased… (With the exception of an occasional few day period of time, during which I trust myself and offer some compassion, because I know it’s not an all-the-time thing.)
THEN ALL THE SUDDEN. I SAW MY BLOG POST FROM LAST YEAR.
^^^ THAFUCK, Y’ALL. The last four days have mirrored these same four days LAST YEAR.
I had a friend let me know that we hold specific traumas… I guess like an energetic imprint? Around certain times as an “anniversary” of when the original trauma occurred. So, each year like clockwork, triggers and the like will come out.
I AM SO CURIOUS AND EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
75% of the relationships I’ve ended and jobs I’ve left have been in the month of June and July. The other 25% occurred in Decembers. SO. THAT’S A THING.
I enjoy finding patterns, in case ya’ can’t tell by this fascination.
I am not gonna’ do too much digging on this, though.
(Yes you are.)
… Maybe. — But. I’m setting the intention to instead focus on the present moment and all the present-moment retraining I’m doing. Anchoring into the NOW rather than replaying whatever shit happened in the past.
And now I have this voice that’s like, “Ya’ gotta’ deal with the shit from the past before it goes away.”
Yea yea yea.
OKAY SO. ENOUGH WITH PATTERNS AND TRIGGERS. LET’S TALK ABOUT ITEM #2.
2.) I watched Forrest Gump this evening, as a recommendation of a friend (the same friend who sent me the gif of a bear playing with its wiener. So. Y’know. I can clearly trust his insight.) And. Dude. FORREST DOESN’T OVERTHINK ANYTHING.
I mean, oftentimes he doesn’t think at all.
He lives from his heart and is the epitome of going with the flow. He’s so simple and so trusting and loving.
And life worked out pretty well for him.
I’ve decided to harness my inner Forrest Gump for a while. Let go of all the analytical thoughts of trying to figure shit out and over-plan… And instead be like, “I’m gonna go running… Because I want to run.” or “I’m gonna’ hang out with this person because I want to hang out with this person.”
There needn’t be all these extra expectations or labels or whatever. It can just be what it is. Life can just be what it is. And that’s enough.
I feel like I’ve had this realization 1,005 times. But… Each time I have it, it sticks with me a little longer. Or it resonates on a deeper level. So. Rather than beat myself up for “not getting it yet,” I’m instead focusing on the positive.
I’m tired. This last depressive episode spanned a few days, during which I missed work and barely exercised or even left my sofa. And I didn’t listen to any of the fight or flight crap my mind was spewing. I kept getting these ideas to sabotage all the good stuff happening… Or to run and hide. Or just find a plug to my life and unplug it.
Instead, I sat still. (Melted into my sofa, to be fair.) I sat still and objectively viewed these thoughts and cravings, knowing that I’d utilized them in the past in an effort to stay “safe” (and small, and closed off) and recognizing that those situations didn’t end well… And so this time? I did something different: I didn’t react. I didn’t listen to these fearful thoughts.
And I shared with people. That’s a new one for me. I shared everything I was thinking and feeling and I was received and loved by my friends. I posted my most vulnerable video about the depressive episode and had a handful of people reach out to me as a result.
So… Good shit has come from this last depressive episode. Now that the clouds are lifting, I feel closer to my truth than I’ve ever been. And more connected with my heart than I’ve ever been.
I have no idea what tomorrow holds. And I’m legitimately okay with that.
Thanks, Unknown, for this crazy amazing shit-show of a journey thus far.