This is the second time I’ve written today’s blog entry. The first one put Frodo’s invisibility cloak on and is unable to be seen.
That’s coo. I can redo it.
I have officially survived this last depressive episode, which seemingly came out of nowhere. While in the stickiness of depression, it’s hard to know up from down and fact from fiction. Thankfully, I’ve learned not to make any drastic decisions when burnt out or depressed.
DON’T MOVE, JEN. ITS VISION IS BASED ON MOVEMENT.
Depression literally puts me into a physiological state that closely matches what a person feels when there’s a tiger lurking around the corner. “Fight or flight,” my brain says, “those are the only two options.”
Turns out, that’s not the case. Stillness is the third option, one I’ve only recently begun embracing.
It’s very uncomfortable to sit in depression. When in it, it’s hard to know where it started and if/when it will end. So I kinda survive on faith and stubbornness alone. And practice. Y’know. I’ve survived 100% of my depressive episodes. And some of them had me holding a kitchen knife to my chest, threatening to push my weight against a counter and plunge the knife into myself.
SO I MEAN. A sticky depressive episode where I’m craving potato chips and can’t leave the sofa is tame by comparison.
I’ve learned a lot from this visit from depression.
I wanted to call it “The Big D,” but I realize that would change the feel of this blog entry entirely.
“Why I’m Grateful for the Big D.”
The trigger for this last state of burnout was twofold, based on what hindsight is showing me.
1.) I was on fire and doing all the things and feeling like a rockstar and forgetting to chill out and breathe.
2.) I hit my upper limit of what I thought possible, in regards to good things happening to me. SO MUCH GOOD SHIT HAS BEEN HAPPENING. And it felt so foreign that a part of me slammed on the brakes in order to reorient to this new ceiling. Which caused whiplash.
A friend recommended the following book, which I promptly added to my Amazon cart:
It’s like I’ve been more comfortable in the STRUGGLE. But the receiving part? That’s scary! That’s foreign!
And so… Onward I stride into deeper unknown territory. This last depressive episode was a much-needed body slam to reconnect me with soul stuff and shake away ego-stuff. (Ego stuff being “I MUST WIN AWARDS I MUST BE THIN I MUST BE LOVED BY ALL PEOPLE I MUST I MUST I MUST” — Soul stuff being “Love is all there is.”)
I did a #realtalk video on it, which is raw and vulnerable. I used to do weekly #realtalk videos, and then I got scared because people actually started subscribing to my channel and sharing my videos.
So. More upper limit stuff.
I’m pushing past it, though. I’m ready to step into my success. I’m ready to receive miracles.
And I wouldn’t have gotten to this epiphany without depression.
THANKS, BIG D.