Day 41 of 365: NOT ‘SPOSED TO DIG

I’ve noticed an increasing number of posts, articles, and coaches discussing the importance of feeling and expressing repressed emotions. This is fabulous. Hooray for being alive during a time of transforming the way we look at emotions, vulnerability, and the role of our internal world.

Primarily, though, the focus seems to be on the “negative” emotions. (I don’t like to use the word negative to describe emotions, as they are neither negative nor positive. Anger and sadness aren’t bad; they just… exist. All emotions, in my opinion, are good. Feeling is one of the main reasons we came here.)

So… The focus seems to be on feeling into old sadness and anger and traumas, and releasing the emotions and energy held in the body. This is very important work. 

That being said, it is just as-if not more-important to feel joy, happiness, and love.

I feel like it’s so easy to get caught up in painful emotions and situations. I mean… Aside from this lifetime, there are countless other lifetimes with pain and traumas. I can stay in the “past,” working through these issues one by one… Forever.

OR. I can practice harnessing joy, and love, and having fun in the present moment. This is a higher vibration. And, just like when pouring fresh water into a dirty glass, the dirt automatically dislodges and leaves with the overflow of the clean.

high vibes water

That’s how it works with emotional healing, too.

As we truly invite joy and love in, the old gunk starts to dislodge and release. There’s no need to search or figure anything out. It’s a of stillness, allowance, and trust that sets the stage for this natural cleansing+healing process.

As my therapist says: “JEN. STOP DIGGING.” And I’m like…


Emotions come and go on their own, just like storms come and go on their own. Waves, rivers, pimples. They all rise and subside, without us digging or fiddling around with them… Or trying to “figure them out.”

I have had this near-obsession with fully understanding everything I’m experiencing, thinking, and feeling. This is out of fear, of course. A yearning to control all aspects of a situation in order to stay “safe.”

But now, while embracing the unknown, and while exhausted after a bit of sleep deprivation and a lot of yoga, I’m beginning to experience the freedom in letting that shit go.

I’m beginning to feel what it’s like to be present, emotionally and physically, without trying to analyze or define or figure anything out.

And it is this state, which has naturally arisen, that is showing me the lessons I am learning and the patterns that are ready to be released. I’m not digging at all. I’m just… living.

I’m doing what feels good, following my intuitive pull even when it feels scary and makes no logical sense. Even when the end result is totally unknown and out of my control. (As it always is. But I tend to live in the illusion of control.)

Releasing expectations and releasing control feels like I’m letting myself out of a cage. Truly. Although, in my mind’s eye, I see it as fishing line. Like I’ve wrapped myself in fishing line, cutting off the circulation at any attempt of joyful expansion.

As if feeling good is wrong or bad. As if loving myself means I’m boasting or bragging.

Rather than focusing on the “problem,” which would be these constricting restraints, I’m instead focusing on the solution… Which is true presence. Uninhibited honesty and vulnerability, or at least to my best ability. Stepping into the discomfort of the unknown, and continuing to move forward with it… Learning to find a sense of comfort in the discomfort.

And, while doing so, this expansion of my heart and of my awareness is so powerful that the suffocating wires and lines are breaking, or even disintegrating.

So. By enjoying life and doing what feels good, all that behind-the-scenes stuff is taking care of itself.

MAYBE THIS IS A TRICK YOU ALREADY KNEW. For me? I used to spend, like, 40 hours a week in the behind-the-scenes stuff. And I thought it’d always have to be that way.

But… Apparently not. I have a strong foundational understanding of myself, and I’m holding onto that loosely… Because I know it will change and evolve as I do.

And so… What’s come forth to me in the current of life is an invitation… To allow myself to feel joy. To allow myself to feel both sides of adoration. To allow myself to be held, supported, and even loved. To allow myself to get lost in moments, without caring what others think or how I’m affecting them.

And, to be honest with you, it’s been a challenge for me. Having fun and letting go… These are two sort of foreign concepts to me. I logically understand them, but have only had glimmers of them in practice.

I’m grateful to be on this journey, and excited to share as it continues.


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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

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