Fresh, warm, and cushioned with humidity,
It moves at its own pace.
Without obvious design, as if an interpretive dance,
Into intricate shapes,
Like a drawing where pen never leaves page.
It does this for no one.
Its whirlwind romance with scattered leaves
Is not to impress the sun
At its own pace,
To its own tune,
Each day different.
Impossible to catch
Today has been a challenging day. One where I’ve spent simultaneous quality time with both exhaustion and inspiration.
The way the leaves are carried by the wind… That’s how I feel. I feel like I’m being carried by something.
I’m not controlling it.
I’m just riding it.
Like a current.
Or a wave.
Or an Ostrich.
I went to the park yesterday and sat in a tree. I laid back and let all of my weight go, allowing the tree to fully support me.
That’s sort of what this journey is feeling like for me. And maybe it’s not just the 365-day focus. Maybe it’s the synthesis of the last 3+ years of deep internal work + my healing from Breast Implant Illness.
The “why” doesn’t matter.
It’s not like the flow states I’ve experienced in the past. Those were merely joy and ecstasy. They were short-lived, like a high school summer romance.
This state I’m in remains, no matter what emotion I’m experiencing or what my energy level is, or how bloated or thin I feel.
The more I’m learning to embrace myself, the easier life has become.
It’s not that tough stuff doesn’t happen. This last week has consisted of situations that, years ago, would have ended in binge drinking and eating an entire jar of almond butter. Now, I relax my shoulders, open my heart, and allow myself to feel the feelings as they arise.
This can be exhausting. And yet… It’s connecting me with a much deeper energy, beyond (or within?) this physical body.
If you’re ready to free yourself from the pain you hold within, I recommend having your mind blown by this book:
Through the practices in this book, I have nearly eradicated the sense of dread, which is something I used to regularly experience.
Dread to open a text message.
Dread that I’d be seen before getting ready.
Dread that my car would implode.
Dread that my credit card wouldn’t work.
And I’ve realized that the text message and credit card and car implosion aren’t the issue; my feelings about them are what truly cause me pain. (I understand car implosion was a poor example, but I find it silly and could use a laugh and thus it stays.)
That’s what dread was for me. A tightening in the chest. A warning sign of “THIS COULD HURT A LOT SO STOP FEELING OR GO A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.”
But now that I’m feeling all of the feelings…?
I feel confident that I can handle whatever comes my way… Sans almond butter binge.
Letting feelings and thoughts blow through and by me, and finding joy in every second of it… Even the ouchy parts.
Cuz’ yo… We get to FEEL STUFF.