I sat in my backless computer chair, lower back hunched with just enough exhaustion for the day to feel productive. I thought of how I was too tired to write.
I then stopped and asked myself if that was true. I guessed it wasn’t, since I frequently (quite literally) write in my sleep. It’s closely connected with my life force and is next door neighbors with my sanity.
And not next door neighbors that occasionally offer courtesy waves and forced smiles when they’re both checking the mail. These are the best friend neighbors that we see in sitcoms, walking into each other’s houses uninvited, eating their cheese. That kind of thing.
Upon inquiring my thought of “I’m too tired to write,” I realized that there was more to the sentence. In full, it became: I’m too tired to write something profound.
As if it’s MY SOLE RESPONSIBILITY to write something that hits someone in the WHOA! button* and sparks positive change.
And as if I have ANY IDEA what is or is not profound.
*By WHOA! button, I mean when someone inadvertently says “Whoa…” when reading something that tickles their brain in such a way. I realized after typing it that it could come across as something sexual. While I have considered that type of writing, it’s not yet something I’ve done.
I flushed my brain of these thoughts of what I should write and asked myself what I was feeling.
Tired, was the response I heard and felt.
“Well, write about that,” I said.
And so I that’s how I started. And, GUESS WHAT. THE WORDS ARE FLOWIN’.
I removed any pressure for this to be any *certain* way… (Because realistically, even if I spent hours writing a post I considered funny, some people may find it offensive or boring or lame. And if I posted something I was certain was profound or even historically accurate, there’s always someone [or many someones] who will disagree.)
Apparently there’s no pleasing everyone.
I love the feeling of positively impacting people, of making them laugh, or assisting them in some kind of emotional breakthrough. I love being the escape, the guru, the therapist, the go-to-gal.
It’s difficult for me to say shit and have people respond negatively.
In the past, I’d mold to whomever I was spending time with. If they liked tomatoes, so did I. If they hated tomatoes, so did I.
What’s weird is that I wasn’t lying; in the moment I’d be certain that what I was saying was true.
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS CODEPENDENCY. AND LACK OF ENERGETIC BOUNDARIES.
Codependency and I were close neighbors for a while, too. Except Codependency was the really nosy neurotic invasive one that showed up to private outings, unannounced and drunk and needy, making the whole get-together about them.
I AM USING GIFS INSTEAD OF DOODLES BECAUSE I AM TIRED.
Creating boundaries with that part of myself and then applying those in my relationships with others was (and still is) a challenge.
In the past, if I said something that sparked anger or hurt feelings in another person, I’d immediately be like “ABORT MISSION! RETREEEAT RETREEEAAT!” and I’d back pedal and do whatever I could to convince the person that we agreed with each other and that I was awesome.
That resulted in a lot of resentment. I felt small or awkwardly contorted, like I was stretching and bending to fit who I thought the other person wanted me to be. Even though–and I’m still learning this–people (the people I wanna’ be around) really just want me to be myself.
It’s similar to the concept behind this blog. Of letting go of control or trying to be or write or act a certain way. Of just being and enjoying the basic human existence of walking around in this beautiful meat suit that houses my consciousness.
I logically understand this. I do. However, it’s still not fully integrated, if that makes sense. Those of you on the path of self-actualization and spiritual growth have dealt with that before, right? The difference between logically understanding a lesson versus KNOWING and FEELING it in your core.
I’m still in the retraining phase right now, where I’m constantly mindful of needing to stand up for myself, to take space for myself, and to not back down when someone pushes back on something I’ve said. To be okay with the discomfort of someone else’s ouchy emotions.
In my experience, the ouchy emotions tend to bring forth some of the biggest breakthroughs and greatest lessons. So really, by me doing my egg shell dance and eliciting 90%+ positive feelsies from people (while bending and being inauthentic in the process), I’m doing us both a disservice.
Again, I UNDERSTAND THIS LOGICALLY. I’m still distanced from it.
Realistically, this whole awakening journey of releasing unhealthy patterns and incorporating healthy habits is teaching an old dog new tricks. It takes practice, repetition, patience, and a sense of humor.
These are all things I freely offer others (same with standing up for people–I’m GREAT at it, even if I stand up for them to myself ON THEIR BEHALF!) that I have decided to equally offer myself.
It’s been an uncomfortable transition. Pissing people off. Sitting in awkward silences while I allow other folks to work through their shit rather than me try to navigate it for them. It’s uncomfortable… And it’s also SO FUCKING FREEING.
Every time I honestly express myself, especially when I’ve included an emotion or statement I’d have previously kept hidden, I feel like a rockstar. I feel safer with myself, like I’m earning my own trust.
I’m done playing small. I’m bored with it. I am ready to move forward into the unknown, holding hands with my fear as we traverse this unfamiliar territory, all the while trusting in chance. Trusting in the greater good. Trusting in myself.
Cheers to discomfort.