Reaching a point of burnout, I think, shows that I stopped surrendering/trusting chance at one point.
Like, I was saying that I was trusting and surrendering… And I was doing yoga and sniffing calming essential oils and meditating and and and…
But today I realized I just wasn’t feeling it. Everything felt like a necessary task, which is a sign for me that I’m, y’know, out of the flow. (Because when I’m IN the flow, even cleaning up dog poop and doing dishes is fun. When I’m OUT of the flow, even coloring or happy dancing ISN’T fun.)
This is not my first time experiencing this.
I’ll get into this aligned flow state that kicks SO MUCH ASS and everything becomes clear.
Seriously. All the shit that bothered me in the past is suddenly OBVIOUSLY minuscule, and all the fear about the future ceases existence.
(NOTE: I’ve been misspelling minuscule for my whole life. Thank you, spell check, for existing.)
(Except I kind of thing you and other programs like you are making humans kind of dumber.)
Is it possible that we all have a certain amount of mental energy that we run off of… And that this mental energy was allocated to help us with math and spelling and remembering phone numbers and birthdays… But that now, since computers do all that shit for us, our brains aren’t utilizing the energy for that kind of stuff and are instead putting it toward NEUROTIC THOUGHT AND ANXIETY?!
This is either profound, or ridiculous. Either way, I’m running with it.
Ok… GAME ON!
SO. I’ll be in the flow state where everything feels good and right and I’m like “It’s so easy to be here; why would I do anything else?” And, at the same time, I recognize the importance of not becoming attached to this state… Since the very act of attachment scares it away.
And still, subconsciously, it seems to happen.
Like I go from doing things because I want to and am enjoying them to instead doing things because I remember enjoying them last time I did them so doesn’t that mean they’re good to do now?
I get knocked out of the present by trying to recreate a past.
It’s like trying to box up some water from a river in an effort to “capture the flow.”
ALL THAT GETS US IS SOGGY BOXES, FOLKS.
The flow can’t be captured; it can only be ridden.
So… I recognize and accept where I am now. I’m allowing this anxious energy to tap dance through my meridians and I’m letting go of aversion to these feelings.
Because that’s where our suffering resides, right? In craving and aversion. Either we HATE something and don’t want to feel it (aversion) or we LOVE something and want MORE of it (craving).
I’m caught in a sticky web weaved of both of those right now… But I’m not gonna’ fight it, because I’ve learned that trying to fight my mind or my present state just makes it worse and more stressful.
Here’s to deep breathing, a little prayer, and tuning back into my heart for some guidance on what I ACTUALLY want to do rather than what I think I SHOULD be doing.