It normally takes me an hour or so to put together a post. Mostly this is because doodles happen. And because a few readthroughs and revisions happen.
Tonight, I’m skipping the readthrough/revision part* and am going right for the flowy writing, allowing whatever the heck to come out, while also incorporating the doodles.
Because priorities, that’s why.
*I ended up doing readthroughs AND revisions. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
There are a few things not “going right” with this site. I own the URL http://www.aboutchance.com, and through my web hosting service I get free WordPress. However, I signed up first through WordPress and so now I have two separate things. I have http://www.aboutchance.com and a blank blog setup… And then I have this blog with a way less sexy URL, yet with a theme that I adore (paid $49 American) and with hours of customization already done.
I’m sure there’s an easy way to link these. To combine powers. But… I’m simply too tired right now. I just don’t wanna’.
Also, I’ve yet to finish the ABOUT and CONTACT and ORDER LIST FROM THE UNIVERSE pages. I also haven’t written a post explaining exactly what this journey is about… But I think that’s okay. Because I don’t really know what it’s about.
WHAT I HAVE DONE, THOUGH, IS SET UP THIS BLOG THAT I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT FOR OVER A YEAR, AND THEN WRITTEN EVERY DAY FOR 5 DAYS SO. VICTORIES AND SELF-KUDOS AND SUCH.
I’m torn on something.
Originally, my order list for the Universe looked like this (when I had this blog set up through Wix.com with all its sexy artsy fartsy design capabilities):
It’s true; these are all goals that I have. And I’m hoping that, by surrendering control and doing/writing what feels right in each day rather than trying to plan ALL STEPS from here to there, these goals will seamlessly weave their way into my life.
Two thoughts come to mind with that. First, isn’t that me still holding out expectations some form of control? (And if so, isn’t that okay? Not perfect here. Still human, last time I checked. And don’t these specific goals guide me?) And second (technically third*, but whatever because no revisions), isn’t it a good and powerful thing to express my desires to the Universe with an attached positive expectancy that “HECK YEA THEY’RE COMING TRUE AND I’M READY SPAGHETTI”…?
I went on a hike with Floyd and a friend today, and she mentioned something about DESIRE. About how we have certain things we want… Like, “I’m stressed because I really want a house” or “I wish I had a new car” or “I want to get a book deal” When really the underlying desires may be “I desire to feel safe and secure” and “I desire to feel sexy and successful” and “I desire to feel validated and supported.”
So… Do I pray/request assistance with feeling these feelings? Or is it okay to have specific wants?
I think the answer is YES. Cuz. Like. Why do I want a grasshopper origami? Because I want to feel like I have a grasshopper origami. (Really it’s because it’s SO off the wall to me that, when I receive it, I’ll be like OMIGOD THIS LAW OF ATTRACTION IS TOTES REAL even though: A.) I already know it’s real; I experience it daily, and 2.) I never say the word “totes.”)
I may be over-complicating it. That’s part of my process, honestly. To jumbly-talk it out and then throw away the stuff that’s yucky and keep the stuff that’s yummy.
(I sure hope I still say “yummy” and “yucky” and scream “PUPPPPIIEES” in a high-pitched voice when I’m 80.)
I’m sort of working this out while talking. I feel like I’ve found a whole new folder of unknown yummy knowledge and mind expansion, so I’m just sharing as I sort through the files in my brain thoughts.
I love the downloads; they’re my favorite. As one of my friends says, I love finding out I’m wrong–that means I can be right.
He may word it differently, but whatever.
I feel as though I’m in this place of expansion and transition and change and other words that mean similar things. Judgments and certainties I once gripped are now disintegrating. I look down at my hands and they’re empty. I’m truly getting to a place in my life where I’m letting go, practicing unattachment, and trusting in something greater.
Also, I’m taking myself less seriously.
THIS IS AMAZING NEWS.
A year ago, I wouldn’t have begun a blog (or published it, at least) until everything was perfect. And, since nothing is ever really perfect, I’d never have published said blog. (Which has happened 5+ times.)
Which is how my “IMAGINATION” folder has gotten so overloaded with different movie, book, blog, and greeting card ideas.
I am publicly and internetly commending myself for continuing to write even though:
-I have no plan for what I’m going to write when I sit down
-The site is not finished
-I wanted to watch The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and merge souls with my sofa, but I instead sat down to write this.
-I pressured myself to finish this post in 29 minutes so I could post it on the EXACT CORRECT DATE (even though my WordPress dates are wonky–it’s all about my internal RULES and stuff), but then took 70 minutes instead… And am not stressing out.
-Floyd and my bed are way more comfortable than my computer chair.
OMIGOD he is so precious I can’t stand it. I want to snuggle his face and interrupt his dreams to tell him how pretty he is.
And here is my backless computer chair. My last one was held together with duct tape, so this is definitely an improvement.
Maybe I’ll add “computer chair that’s good for my back” to my order list.