When I began this project, I–Well wait. Pause button.
The FIRST time I began this project was in February of 2016. I wrote a blog entry and everything (in another platform–I will share it soon) about how I wanted to hurry up and write a blog post before I changed my mind and repressed the idea for a year.
So I prevailed and wrote a blog post.
And then I promptly avoided the idea for another year… and a half.
But THIS go around, when I began the project, I was all, “I’m gonna’ keep the doodles and files so organized. I may not be able to control how I reach my giant goals, but I can control how beautifully organized my life is!”
Which worked for about a day.
Then today happened… Where I was working in Wix.com. I had created an aesthetically gorgeous page, but it had the utility of a bristle-less broom. Or shoes with no bottoms.
BUT IT WAS SO PRETTY. AND I HAD ALREADY WORKED ON IT FOR 5 HOURS.
I put another hour in today, and then somehow lost all my work.
Which prompted a straight-forward cutting of ties between Wix and me. Both parties handled it well, but the breakup is still fresh.
I danced around with WordPress themes, adjusting the header image around 37 times (that may actually be an understatement). I eventually ran out of professional, organized titles for the images… Such as “about CHANCE header” and “about CHANCE header 2” and “about CHANCE header THIS ONE”.
Then I hit a “fuck it” point where I started naming files things like “hmmm” and “PBJ” and “KITTENS”.
Exhibit A:
While lost in the world of WordPress, my best friend called me. I told her about the idea, and she goes: “Yea, I remember. From last year.” And I told her it was different because this time it’s a 365-day dedication where I’m gonna’ write every day and recommit to surrendering to chance every day and and and…
Then I did the thing where I talk nonstop because I’m nervous the other person is about to tell me how ridiculous I am, so I overcome all possible objections before they’ve even opened their mouth.
Part of my shpeel (I admittedly don’t know how to spell this word, and I’m too tired to care. Shpiel? Shpeil? Whatever.) was:
People always tell their stories once they’re uber-successful. So we little nuggets think that their journey was an overnight one, and we get discouraged. I’m going to share my behind-the-scenes so maybe it’ll help others embrace the journey, too.
And she said, “So, rather than a success story, it’s an ON your way to success story.”
And I gasped. Because beautiful.
And then I went on to tell her my exact plans for this blog. Something along the lines of…
“I’ll ideally get lots of followers which will make selling book #2 much easier.”
She then did what she does best, which is call me on my shit. Because, in one sentence, I contradicted the entire focus of this blog. Cool.
That’s why this journey is a challenging one for me. Because I like things like algebraic equations and knowing the correct way to open ground lamb (see Day 1’s entry for more on this), because they both have only one correct answer.
I like having control. Or, at least, the illusion of control.
That’s where I am now. Writing day 2’s entry even though the site isn’t finished. I’m tired, my back hurts, I’m hungry for yummy nibbles of foods, and I have NO IDEA WHERE THIS JOURNEY IS GOING TO TAKE ME.
Which is exciting*.
*terrifying
day 2: I think you’re awesome